Struggle bus. Passenger: Me

At this very moment, I am contemplating my relationship. I feel so terrible about it, but what else do I do other than ask the Erodr world about it. Yes, it took me almost 2 minutes to get my computer to stop auto-correcting Erodr. Before I go further into detail, let me somewhat explain my love life situation. I have been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now, and there are times where he annoys me, but there are other times where he’s the greatest individual in the world, too. 

When I met him, he was not going to school. He was pursuing something that his brother had fell into luck in, and he thought he could get in the same situation. —His brother works for a prestigious bank with an associate’s degree. It’s not common and something that just happened by chance to his brother.— He was working at the university that I attend(ed) and it all seemed hunky-dory. He then decided that he wanted to go to school to pursue something that he rather enjoyed, or seemed to enjoy when he talked about it, and things were looking up. Things were looking up until the other day when he took his calculus test and came out all sad saying that he was pretty sure he failed it. I thought there was some hope for the situation, until I saw his GPA today and the list of grades from his classes. He got a D- in the calculus class, and his GPA accumulated to roughly (one grade wasn’t in yet) a 1.3. This obviously terrified me, and I thought it would him as well, but he seemed to have absolutely no problem with it. 

The past couple of days he has been discussing law school. I know any major can go to law school, but he seems to focus on those majors that are “by-chance” majors, as I like to call them. The major he was going in to seemed good, and he seemed pumped about it, but the discussion of law school seemed completely out of hand. Tonight, as he was revealing his GPA to me, he did not seem worried at all. He just blew it off like it was no big deal. He then says he “can still get into law school with a GPA like that.” When asking him what he would want to do with that degree, he stated he did not know, and basically that he just didn’t know about school in general anymore. Which is terrifying. 

I am literally at a complete loss for words. I don’t know what to say to him, and I’m pretty sure he knows it and can sense it as well. He began crying and walked outside and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I say this, because I thought everything was all mapped out. My plan for life, his plan for life, and what we were going to do together—when our lives were going to mesh, how everything was going to pan out;etc. I am going into a major that is known as not paying so well. This aggravates my parents greatly, but I am not sure if there is much of anything that I can do about it, it is something that I have thought about since high school but have been terrified to tell my parents anything about it. 

People of Erodr obviously did not help me much at all. They told me to basically just end it, because if anything were to happen like that, they’d be terrified enough to do the same thing. Some people even put their two cents in it and discussed that they’ve been in similar situations. One girl told me that I’d be a bitch if I did, and maybe he deserved a better girl anyway if I were to be like this. None of this helped my state of mind recently-with not thinking that I’m good enough for him- and didn’t help my state of mind now. 

The struggle of relationships is hard, guys 

But that's none of my business...

Today, I made a playlist on Spotify titled “himom” while blasting Christmas songs to annoy the living shit out of my roommate. That’s where i’m at in life. 

I know I’ve complained about my roommates before, but let’s just say it hasn’t gotten one bit better. My boyfriend is my neighbor, as we have established, and he’s a wonderful person. One of my roommates, however, does not like that. She does not like him one bit and I’m not sure if it’s the fact that they’re around the same age and her boyfriend doesn’t come over here all the time or what. (Note: her boyfriend doesn’t come over here because he’s still in high school…) It’s been an ongoing battle to attempt to be civil with this human being, if I can even call her that. 

I feel that as a human being, you have the responsibility to pick up after yourself. We learn this so young that I don’t understand why someone would just magically forget. At the daycare I work at, the little tottlings (they are 2 and 3) sing “clean up, clean up” without any of our starting. My room at my parents house can look absolutely ridiculously messy, but I would never let a common area of my house that I share with other people that are not my family with. This person, however, does not know how to human.

Things that are “acceptable” in my roommate’s book of “life”:

Taking out the trash twice. Ever.

Leaving food in the fridge for months to where it starts growing. 

Using other people’s bathrooms, but never letting anyone use hers. (Her bathroom is what is supposed to, in our house, be a public bathroom. It has a hallway door as well as a bedroom door and is in the common areas of the house. AKA: semi-public bathroom.)

Freeloading off of others’ goods.

Leaving every light on in every room that they have stepped in, regardless if they are in it currently or not.

Texting, calling, pounding on the door at 2:45 AM to let them in the house because they forgot their keys and are (illegally) drunk. Then proceeds to complain and bitch that they’ll “sleep somewhere else” since we didn’t answer her. 

Complaining that there are no goods (such as trash bags, paper towels) but not ever buying a thing that people (publicly) use. 

Complaining that “there isn’t enough room” in the pantry for their stuff, even though they don’t buy things to put in said pantry. 

Complaining about how dirty said room is, but not doing a thing to care about it. 

Turning up the heat or the A/C down without consideration for other roommates. (Heat rises and cold air falls, as we’ve learned from science. Said person is the only one that has a basement bedroom, so it naturally gets colder when the A/C is on and cooler in the winter, too, since the heat is going upstairs. Said person will turn the A/C warmer and the heat warmer as well since they are “cold.” Meanwhile, I’m burning my ass off upstairs with the fan on and window open. In the middle of the winter.)

Putting glass jars of used food (sauces, etc) in the dishwasher without washing paper labels off first. Thus putting paper all over other dishes in dishwasher. Then complains about how no one unloaded the dishwasher. 

Putting plastic forks/spoons/knives in the dishwasher.

If you’re this kind of person, consider changing yourself. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to be this kind of person, maybe if you live with your parents. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, so they probably wouldn’t get as mad at you versus some random person you moved in with. I’m pretty sure they’ll all care about it, but not want to say anything due to fear of what saying something will do to said persons mental health. These things, in my opinion, are common known things that people should figure out in life and then stop doing. Not keep doing it.

*sips tea* but that’s none of my business.

Can I just say that today was a very shitty end to a week that was going fantastic? Because that’s literally the only words that I can use to describe it. 

First, I came to work for the Christmas party.  I work at a daycare and they were having a “school-wide” party that the children had so kindly asked me to come to, and one of my coworkers said to come just to give an extra helping hand. SO I did, even though I was a bit nervous about what other people would say with me being there. I get there and (there are two teachers in my ‘classroom’) teacher A is all excited to see me, as are the children, and is like “I’m so glad you came!” etc. Teacher B comes down the stairs and is like “why are you here? there’s no reason that you need to be here, especially if (our boss) doesn’t know that you’re here” and was straight up rude to me. She acted like I was a nuisance for being there and that I had no right to be there. 

So, we go upstairs. We’re met at the top of the elevator with the rest of the school (probably nearly 30 people) singing Christmas carols and our boss is up there as well. She looked angry at first (but she always seems to look angry) and then saw me and I got all scared and she says “Oh goodness! Thank you for coming!” etc. Because clearly the lady needed help since only one of the teachers was supposed to be going around and doing things with the children. 

Needless to say, the day got even awkwarder after the party ended and it was “nap time.” Normally my shift is 1:30 on Friday’s, and it was around 1:15 as the children were taking a nap. She dismisses me out the door and says “thanks for helping, but you need to leave now.” —feeling so loved at this point in time—so I went to the bathroom and cried. (I’m an easy crier, especially here lately. I don’t know why, it’s just a thing)

Second, I get off of work and am just ready to go home to my ACTUAL home. So I get out of my car and low and behold, I drop my phone. I’ve dropped my phone several times, and my phone is literally factory fucked up, but of course this time it decided to be different than usual. It shattered. The entire upper part of the screen (had it been the lower I probably would not have cared) all of the glass broke, and the LED screen was starting to mess up. My luck, especially since my father had basically told me a month before that I wouldn’t be getting a new phone anytime soon. 

My boyfriend, being the great one he is, said that it was “early Christmas”. I looked confused and he had explained that my Christmas present from him was going to be him paying for my phone monthly so that I could get a new phone, I’d just be getting it early since mine was basically unusable now. TGOD for him. Oh, PS, my dad yelled at me while I was asking him if it was okay (since he pays the bill) and told me I was an ungrateful bitch. 

Thirdly, my family obviously knew I was coming home. I had called them previously and told my mother that when I saw her last weekend and on Wednesday. So they KNEW I was coming home. I get here, and they’re gone. Everyone is. (my sister is a moocher and is here every day so that my parents feed her and her spawns.) When I call, nobody answers, they all forward their calls to voicemails, except for my sister who answers (my dad’s phone that she’s been using the past month to mooch off of the data plan) and says that “oh we just decided to leave since you should’ve been there by now.)

Fourth, it’s been an hour since my family has been gone (over it, for their time, just an hour since I’ve been here) and there not back yet. My mom decides to text me how to get there and tell me they haven’t yet gone through the line to whatever the hell they were going to. 

And to think, I thought today was going to be fabulous. And I thought coming home was going to be even better because I had just saw a deer in the field. 

Oh was I dead wrong. 

Where's My Clarity.

Is there a point in time where it’s too soon to settle down? I don’t mean like high school or anything, either. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for some reason, but I’m ALSO a firm believer in sometimes you choose your own fate. 

(Rant about my life because it wouldn’t be a blog if it wasn’t.) I wasn’t necessarily socially awkward in high school by any means at all, but I feel that the deeper I go into college, and my relationship, I get more and more socially awkward.  I fear so much of others judging me because that’s what we, as humans, do. We judge other people, and it’s usually critically. I’ve been judged for everything under the sun, some things that I would never do in my life. Rumors are the biggest bitch as well, which is somewhat of a harsh judgment in my opinion, and some people just don’t grow up from them. I was one of those people in high school that wouldn’t start a “rumor”, I just told stories that I, and others, knew were true, and some just assumed they were false. (For example—I LOVE EXAMPLES: Freshman year in high school, the time when cell phones magically became a huge thing in the world, I was casually flipping through a girls pictures because, well, that’s just what we did and it was a known thing. I came across a picture of her boobs—it was her and her face in the mirror, mind you, and was like “oh my goodness, look what i just found!” Showed another girl. She told the P.E. teacher and all hell broke loose. Apparently it wasn’t a picture of her but “some random girl” that “couldn’t be her, ever.” Lawl, okay. You get my point, though). 

I was the type of person that fell over any guy who paid me any sort of attention. It only gets worse over time, too, and I only got worse over time as well. I’ve talked about my doppelgänger and how he basically ruined my life, but this isn’t just about him. He was a major part of my life, and I often still feel myself lost without him. In my heart, I know that had he ended up being a different person than who he hung out with in high school and if I had opened my eyes, we probably would have been together at this point in life. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe just out of one, but I firmly believe that. I also firmly believe, however, that I can get insane sometimes. I had a boyfriend in high school that I should’ve ended it with day 3, but I was stupid and all I really wanted was a relationship (or so I thought.) It was abusive, not necessarily physically all the time, but it definitely took a toll on who I was as a person, especially him demanding sex daily, and sometimes even more than that. I was unhappy with myself freshman year of college and thought I had found someone who was going to like me for, ya know, me. I was wrong, and he ended up making me feel worse about myself. I was thoroughly not interested in a relationship at that point, but just the feeling of being loved. I went back to people I had been with in the past (lol.) and it was making me worse and worse. On top of all that, I had the roommates from fucking hell and I just hated my life ultimately. I met a man while I was still a freshman, talking to the other man, and we instantaneously became friends—nothing sexual. 

Somewhere along the lines (which are very blurred because I have a very bad memory here lately) we got into a sexual relationship. I was terrified it would end up like my last “friendship” and fail miserably with me feeling like asshole, so I just didn’t talk to him. Great solution, right? BUT, IT WAS. I never texted him first, he only texted me first. It only made him want me more, of course, and there was a point in time where I was actually happy. We wouldn’t have sex every time we hung out, and I loved it. I thought he’d feel the same way, and was planning on going to a party at his frat to actually see if he was any sort of serious about the situation. Well, that fell through. OF course it fell through, right? I didn’t end up going to said party—we didn’t end up talking. 

I got really depressed with my life, and was going insane over everything that was happening in my life due to my shitty ass year, so I started talking to someone who I felt I could relate to more than the man i was penetrating with, and befriended him. Said man had a girlfriend, and chose her ultimately over me, and I got really sad because it seemed like my life was going to be that cycle. I was to the point of ending my life one Friday in the beginning of November because I didn’t want the cycle to start over. I literally could not handle it. That night, my current boyfriend came into my life, and i took that as a sign. I ended things with everyone else sexually and started platonic relationships with the man I had been in a “frelationship” with. He was angry, but ultimately agreed that we would both be shitty people to start a relationship since we were different. 

That being set out and said, I love my boyfriend. I really do have love for him and he makes me genuinely happy. Here lately he makes me very mad and upset, though. The beginning of our relationship was automatically sex (which is terrible, I know) and it seemed to continue. Now, however, we rarely ever have sex and he always tries. I know Cosmo says healthy couples are ones who have sex often, but I just don’t feel it a lot. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, because I really am. He’s an attractive man, and our personalities mesh well. I just don’t know if there’s something else I should be doing with my life. I’m currently sitting at home on a Friday night at 10 PM waiting for him to come home so that we can go to my parents house. In the back of my mind, though, I think I should be going out with my friends (even though I don’t have many at all), going to a club, celebrating my school’s championship game, etc. 

And I don’t know how to not feel that I shouldn’t be in my relationship. It’s a terrible feeling, and I need clarity. 

Thanksgiving can be the biggest bitch.

Can I state something without sounding like a total bitch? I don’t (per say) like holiday’s with my boyfriend’s family. I know that people have different interests, but mine aren’t near what theirs are, and I don’t like arguing with everyone on a holiday. Don’t get me wrong, my family is perfect by any means. My family, however, only has one weird “tradition” and it hasn’t happened the past two years (and I don’t think making a Black Friday plan counts.) 

My boyfriend’s family loves playing video games. I underlined loves because I honestly believe that it’s a bit of an understatement. It’s kind of like an obsession. I’ve played a total of maybe 4 games with them, and I’ve absolutely hated it. It’s not your typical board games like Monopoly or Apples to Apples, it’s games like Acquire and Settlers, which I’d never heard of until they mentioned it. It’s not just that the games are VERY involved, but it’s the fact that they are VERY competitive. I, of course, had to learn how to play these games and I’m not the type of person that’s really interested in playing board games. I’m not a fan of games at all, actually, unless it’s Life or Apples to Apples (I favor Cards Against Humanity but my parents wouldn’t favor the way I play) because those are just generally what I find enjoyable. His family takes it to the next level. Disclaimer: sorry if you like this damn game, but I do not. They were playing this game called Munchkin and I was (angrily attempting) to learn how to play it. My boyfriend’s nieces were playing as well, and they’re both still in the single digits of their ages, just to give you a bit of an idea. HIs siblings are both in their 30’s and you would think have their shit together by now (Spoiler Alert: They don’t.) That being said, we start playing this game and his (over 30 year old) brother starts throwing the biggest fit because of the card his child laid down, since next was his sister and it benefitted he and hurt him in the game. He started throwing a fit and I wanted to get up and leave more than anything. He bitched the entire rest of the game. This also happened when we played Acquire as well, minus his children. 

Another thing that I don’t like is his parent’s enjoy having (many) animals in their house. His sister never really moved out of their house and recently had to go to court and does community service for animal abuse for having too many animals in her house in the city limits. She had around 6, I think? The limit is 3.  With that being said, there are more animals in the house now than there were originally as well (not to mention her dog had puppies.) Their house reeks of animal dander. Don’t get me wrong, I love my animals, but I only love them because they’re outside. My boyfriend claimed in the beginning of our relationship that his mom was allergic to their dander and the only reason she could stand them was because of how often they got baths. Well, apparently he was the only one who bathed them whenever he lived there, because the house stinks to the point that it gives me a gigantic headache. It never. goes. away. It’s that forever kind of lingering smell and yesterday I was SO thankful that it didn’t smell like that and actually smelled of food. Then today I was disappointed in the smell, and also by the fact a used hairbrush was touching the food that I was about to eat. There are a total of 3 cats in their house and 8 or 9 dogs in the house. YES, I said 8 or 9 dogs. Just for count: His sister has 2. His parents have one tiny dog, two brother dogs, and another one on top of that. One is his brothers, but basically stays over there, and another is supposed to be his friends, but his parents want to keep it… That’s 8 dogs along with 3 cats that are currently in the house. That is ELEVEN ANIMALS.There are more animals than people that live in that house and maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up with animals in my house, but I find it extremely disturbing. Especially when they pee and poop on the floor and everyone acts like it’s nothing. Today, I had one of them sitting on my foot the entire day. Now my foot itches constantly and it’s an annoyance that will not go away; and I know Casper didn’t put itching powder in my shoes. 

I feel so terrible saying all of this, but I need to let it out so very badly. They also have no time constraints on anything (and are also professional hoarders, but I won’t go into that because obviously people will know what I’m talking about right when I say it.) Yesterday was their “thanksgiving” and it was also my nieces’ birthday parties and my nephew’s as well. My sister pushed back the party time 4 times for me, so I had to make it there by 4, his parents’ Thanksgiving was at 1.  (It was my niece’s first birthday party, and my father is currently not in town and has not been for a month due to circumstances beyond his control—thanks to protestors and dumbness. No, my father is not a cop. He has no return date either. If these weren’t the circumstances, my rush to get there probably would not have been so large, but she was turning 1 and obviously knows who I am by now, and two of the other ones had birthdays then too. One of my nephews also returned from his dad's after a week, and I hadn't seen him in a month due to their child share schedule.)

We arrived at 1:20.

The only people in his house were his parents, his sister, and his cousin (whom lives there, so doesn’t count because all of these people practically live there.) It was 20 minutes after we were supposed to start eating. My boyfriend gets extremely frustrated from the get-go and begins to do whatever they tell him to do. I sat on the couch and played on my phone because I was 50 shades of not interested. There was also nowhere else to sit and I had to climb a path to get there, BUT that’s another story for another day when I’m pissed off. His nieces were at his parent’s house as well because his brother had dropped them off there when he dropped the turkey off to cook there (which I do not understand because he has an oven as well.) His sister states that “she wasn’t late” and my boyfriend laughed and said “you never left.” She then rebutted with “Yeah HUH, I went to the store with mom!” *insert none face there for obvious reasons*. His cousin then shows up at 1:45, and his dad starts making the stuffing (about time, right?) They start making other things while I’m chilling on my ass, and then get information that his brother is now going to the store…He was supposed to go to the store 2 hours earlier to get more supplies for making food. My boyfriend, at this point, was livid because we showed up later too and were still the first ones there with nothing done but what cooking my boyfriend had done the night before. (That’s right, it took him a whole HOUR to bake 4 pies.)

They proceed to do things until his brother calls once more and says he’s sorry that he just got to the store because he went and got an oil change. I’m sorry, but what?! He got an oil change?! His dad goes “well they’re not open on Sunday’s.” Well guess fucking what. They’re fucking open on Monday’s and if you know you have to be somewhere, then fucking BE THERE. Don’t be 4 hours late because you went to get an oil change.  His cousins husband also then proceeded to complain that he did not want anyone to leave because he did not get to spend Thanksgiving with his family since he had to work, and wanted to with this family...

I feel like at this point I need to make a side note. My boyfriend’s parents live further away from the school I attend which is 45 minutes from my parents’ house. my boyfriend’s parents probably live a good hour and fifteen from my parents’ house. Rough estimate. 

THAT BEING SAID, I’ll continue my bitch-rant (since I’m a professional bitch-ranter, obvi.) It’s around 2:45 now and my boyfriend had made gravy, they’re starting to get food on the table, but are waiting for his brother. His brother calls and says he’s on his way there, that he went to get an oil change since it was on his way there and had went to the store and everything. Might I mention that we live about..hmm… a mile away from the car dealership where he gets his oil changed? Might I mention that he lives a mile and a half from us? SO: He lives a half of a mile away from the car dealership and it was “on his way to the store.” Well no shit sherlock, it’s on your way every time you DRIVE any time. 

He gets there around 3 and we proceed to eat. Keep in mind, we still need to be at the party by 4 and it takes an hour to get to our destination. We start eating, etc etc; that shit and eventually got to the party a little after 5. Yep…a whole hour later. ALL BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND’S FAMILY IS FULL OF FUN. 

Yep. Fun.

And I love my boyfriend, he’s the complete opposite with some of the same tendencies that they have (but nothing near theirs) and I love him to death. I plan to spend the rest of my life with this man, but I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life with his family, too. 

Have you ever had one of those days where it’s just not your day? Yeah, I know that can seem a bit dramatic or that can be every day of your life, but today literally IS NOT my day.

This morning I had a doctors appointment to go and get my TB test finished for my new job (that my mother absolutely does not want me to have, it seems.) I had to be there bright and early because I have class at 9, and I haven’t been in class in a week because it’s only a weekly class and last week was our out-of-class midterm. Anyway. So I was on my way home, to my home at school I should say, and these lovely people just decided to make my day so much better by whoopsidentally stopping really fast, causing the other people to immediately stop behind them as well. I, being the dumbass that I am, was going 30 and had just realized they had stopped but it was too late. So obviously I hit the person and there was just nothing that I could do about it then. The girl was super nice and chill about the entire situation, saying she knew that I wouldn’t be able to stop and there was basically nothing that could have been done (yet I don’t know what she told the cops, so…) 

Basically I have to get a new car. My parents have liability on my car, which means that the insurance people won’t fix my car, I have to do it myself. I thought liability meant that I had to pay out of pocket what happened to the other person as well, but the insurance lady said that they take care of that (tgod, because I don’t know what else I’d do. I’m poor as shit.)

My dad had to come from his work to come and get me because I was basically adamant that even though my car was drivable, the drivers side door would not open, and the hood could not close. He basically told me “there’s a bus you could take, right?’

So now apparently I have to take the bus to school (and I don’t have cash.) The only problem on that note is: I work out of the town that I live in, and I’m not real sure how I’m supposed to go to work. Basically, I’m fucked and stuck at home because I don’t have a car to drive and I more than likely won’t have a car to drive for a really long time. I have a headache and literally all I want to do right now is sleep.

What doesn’t make it any better? Everything in my classes is due this week. Yes, EVERYTHING. I have a super hard test on Tuesday that I’ve already accepted I’m going to fail because I’m not prepared, I have an entire scrapbook on health care due Thursday, along with a grant proposal and another assessment paper.

Yes. My life fucking sucks.

Stop being such a judgmental bitch...

Have you ever been incredulously butthurt by what someone judged you for? For example, if you're college life involved something like sleeping with a vast amount of people and you weren’t ashamed? Well, that’s my life. (I’m going to start putting TLDR’s so if you don’t want to hear my rant about life that brought me to this conclusion, skip down to the TLDR)

In high school, I admittedly slept with a good amount of people and was known as my high schools “whore.” Going to an incredibly small high school, this was one of the biggest devastations, obviously. I slept with so many people in high school (not even double digits, however) because I just wanted someone to love me. That is literally all I ever wanted: someone to accept me for me, and fall in love with me. There were several people that would come and would go, and I was unfortunately one of the stupid ones.

Well college was kind of the same, too. I went in to college with no random hook-ups, no spontaneous dates of weird kinds until I went through a really tough break-up. I broke up with my abusive partner, and I cried in the middle of philosophy class. Shit, I don’t even know why. We hadn’t talked in nearly a month and were still somehow considered “in a relationship”? I was using that time to find myself, or at least what I thought was finding myself, and I still ended up bawling my eyes out over it. I feel like this could explain how much of an emotional person that I am. After the situation with him, I began “dating” an individual that I had dated for a long time. He told me that he didn’t want it to be “official” because of the fact that his last ‘relationship’ that was official had ended really badly. I stupidly agreed and we continued. I held back from sleeping with him because I like to think that I have morals, and I do, I’m just too much of a pushover to accept my own morals. This sounds bad, but it’s true, and I just have to accept it. So a couple of dates later, we ended up sleeping with each other and shit got weird. I’m not going into detail, because obviously it’s gross. We ended up just falling apart. We didn’t have anything in common, and he liked to smoke a lot of weed (not judging anyone who enjoys partaking in this, but weed makes me —literally— vomit. I can’t take the smell, my senses are super sensitive and yeah, it’s not good.) 

This situation ending basically made me feel like I was inferior to others. Like I would never find anyone that would love me or even feel like a good individual. I found this guy on Tinder who was the sweetest of individuals, but I didn’t want to get attached to him since he didn’t seem to want that with me. In order to do this, I started sleeping with several people that I considered my “friends” and obviously this ruined our “friendship” and ultimately made me an even sadder person since my number was now in double digits, and I was still the person who was never loved back, no matter how much passion i put towards a relationship. I still became attached to said individual and he still drew away from me. I was utterly upset when things “ended” and he got tired of putting up with long-distance fucks (he traveled 3 hours to spend a day with me, no sex, and still says he doesn’t care about me—but that’s none of my business.) He started dating my neighbor and I was about to just give up on this shit, because my number was up to 20, and I personally thought that was RIDICULOUS. I discovered my morals again, and stopped sleeping with random people, and actually wanted someone that could be my “fuck buddy” that I knew I wouldn’t get hurt, but at the same time would get sex when I wanted it. I found this person, and I did not let myself get attached to him. I wouldn’t text him. I wouldn’t talk to him if I saw him on campus, and I plain acted like i just didn’t care about him. He talked about his ex a lot which should’ve been a red flag I guess, but we actually had a genuine friendship, I felt like. We would talk as friends, have sex, and then continue our conversation. Let me tell you, it’s a damn beautiful thing when you can come to the point in your life that you learn not to care. I still felt a sort of emptiness, though, because I knew I wanted a relationship, but I wanted a relationship with someone that wanted a relationship with me as well. I had been friends with this man that had a girlfriend, and it obviously wasn’t going anywhere. 

*Flashback to last year* it was my school’s homecoming, and homecoming at my school is a huge deal. Both individuals that were just spoken about in the latter were in Greek Life, and GL is a huge part of Hoco as well. The man with the girlfriend and I had begun to get each other, and not in a sexual way. We got each other emotionally and spiritually, and I felt connected to him…which was a terrible thing. I slept with my fuck-buddy on choosing night, and the man with the girlfriend was asking me “why i wasn’t there with him.” This got me contemplating my relationships in life, so I ultimately decided to stop sleeping with my ‘fuck-buddy’ and continue the friendship that we had built around our fb relationship. The man with the girlfriend was going to leave his girlfriend, and  was “pretty serious” about it. One night he got drunk and informed me that it was all a lie to try to get in my pants, and I was just done. I was done with everything, and I went out and drove drunkenly while smoking (yeah, real smart since I’d never smoked much other than hookah) because I felt that I just didn’t care about my life, and that i really wasn’t worth living. I called up one of my good friends whose been there with me through the hardest portions of my life, and he said he was currently at the movies, but as soon as it was over he’d come and get me. So i went to the grocery store that has wifi and did my homework. I decided at this point to get on a dating website I’d signed up with for shits and giggles in high school. It was pretty efficient because I began talking to a man that night who was pretty cool. We ended up hitting it off really well and he met me the next night, even though he was from where I went to school. We made out and all that good stuff, and then established we were neighbors. This man is currently my boyfriend, and I love every little piece of him, but:

TLDR:

Don’t sleep with someone on your first date, or even on your second date unless you just really want a fuck-buddy or want to feel really degraded. Maybe it’s because I’m not the thinnest person in the world, but it seemed as if no matter what I did, no matter what I changed, nobody wanted me for anything other than an easy lay. I found my boyfriend, and we slept together on our second date. It’s one of my biggest regrets in our relationship because after that it’s like we refused to get to know each other on a deeper level until one of us established it. We have since then, but it seems as if it’s unimportant at times.

This whole blog stems off of people judging you for the number of people you’ve slept with, and my number is clearly at 22 if you read in between the TLDR (which I definitely don’t expect because it’s a rant and build-up.) This number is extremely high, but apparently in order to be considered having a “sexual problem” that number has to be 50+, and I’m not even halfway there. While I know the reasoning behind my “problem” of sleeping with other people, (that I didn’t mention in this blog, but I’ve mentioned in previous ones) it’s not an “excuse” for it. I was playing Truth or Dare with my roommates and boyfriend out to eat one night, and my number was revealed. Both of my roommates’ opinions changed about me, and you could see it in their faces, after this was revealed. 

My hope? That we’ll live in a world where people will start to understand some things. I would in a heartbeat go back and be my boyfriend’s first. I would be his first everything because he means that much to me—but I can’t go back. If someone’s currently a whore and sleeping with various people, that’s cool if your opinion changes of them then, there’s nothing you can do about that. However, if a person has been in a relationship for almost a year, don’t judge them for something that they’ve done in their past—unless it was murder, or something like that. If it’s something that’s happened in the past, get the fuck over it. We’re in college, and while that’s no excuse, it fucking happens. People sleep with people, and while that’s mostly drunken nights, you’re not going to judge someone today for something that happened 2 years ago, are you? You’re not going to judge someone for something that they did in college while they were drunk trying to have the time of their lives. Nearly everything I did was extremely safe, and I never did anything with some random as stranger (with a semi exception of one time, because I’m bad at remembering last names) and I never would. I’m fully convinced that the number of people someone sleeps with (that’s not an addiction or problem) shouldn’t matter to people (especially when if you look at it, the number of people that I slept with in college isn’t that much compared to other college students, and if I had to do it all again; it'd be 0.) So the next time you judge someone else for something like that, put yourself in their shoes. Empathize with them. Maybe then our world wouldn’t be such a corrupt fucking place.

Who else REALLLY loves group work? 

There might be a couple of people who raise their hands and praise, but altogether, people completely dread it. Maybe in high school where you were BFF’s with everyone and it was social hour, but in college it’s pure hell. 

The major that I am in has a lot of group work in it. When I say a lot, I mean every single class, and I’m taking 5 classes. Some of the group work was rather small and not as involved, but most of it is a long, drawn out process that makes you want to pull your hair out. The group work that I did recently involved a group of 5-7 people discussing a topic they were “all interested in” which was a joke, because not everyone was interested in the topic they ended up getting stuck with. I’m not a very persistent person, either, so I don’t really fight things unless it’s something I firmly believe in and am educated about.

So I joined this group casually and we had things due a lot. A lot throughout the week, and at the end of our project experience we were to present (no, not all of us) and then rate our group. Our group consisted of two rather quiet people, three people that literally just went with the flow, and two leaders. This caused a little bit of conflict because one of the leaders took on a lot, because it was what she was passionate about. All the rest of us weren’t passionate, and she found that she favored a certain topic more than the rest of us, so she got  most of the research off the bat, and then we divided it up. They always wanted to do group meetings, and would still meet without all of the members there, because “that’s when they could do it.” They would not be willing to work around others’ times, because “they just couldn’t”, but expected people to naturally falter to their times. (I work Wednesday’s. All day. So naturally I couldn’t meet then and that’s when they did a majority of the time.) The next time I was required to do something for the group, i was supposed to meet someone to redesign our webpage. The girl who originally chose the template chose the most gothic looking one and didn’t like it, but we couldn’t change it that much since it went mainly off of your original template. Also, the time I was supposed to meet with that girl, I was attending my cousins visitation, and couldn’t really.

Weeelll, today we got the results of those back and our teacher typed out suggestions for our group. She informed us that we did well in what we did, but that people felt that the group work wasn’t all put in by certain people. I’m sorry? What? Just because you’re distributing things, and others cannot be there whenever you distribute them, this should not make someone a bitter asshole towards it. This should make the person more accepting of people since NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SCHEDULE and not make people bitter towards everyone in the group. I know that I was more than likely one of those people, but that’s what you get when you have an imbalance of power. 

SO BASICALLY, for group work if it’s something that absolutely HAS to occur: if you’re one of those people that naturally feels passionate about something, don’t make it your point to take on a huge load of things and then bitch about it later on. That’s your own fault because you were the one that was extremely passionate about it and personally felt responsible, apparently. Secondly, if you’re naturally one of those people that goes-with-the-flow, try to speak out more. If you don’t, it’s only going to fuck you over in the end. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like groups, accept it. It’ll literally happen your entire life. However, don’t expect all that much out of people. If you’re expecting a lot, you’re not necessarily going to get it because everyone’s different and everyone has a different schedule and things happen in life — especially in college— so don’t be a bitter bitch about it.

Because I'm actually really a doppelganger

(HEY THIS IS ANOTHER RANT BECAUSE LIFE IS FUN RIGHT NOW. ALSO, I USE THE WORD DOPPELGÄNGER A LOT. AND I LIKE BOLD AND UNDERLINES.YAY)

You know that song that talks about breaking up in a small town? Well, if you haven’t heard it, you should go and listen to it (especially if you’re from a small town, in my opinion) and have experienced something of the similar. I personally had a disgusting face the first time I listened to it because he was talking throughout the song. If it’s a song why would you talk? Yeah, I don’t know, but it’s grown on me, or maybe it’s just my delusional state from being at work for an ungodly amount of hours. Anyway, the song is basically about living in a small town and breaking up with your significant other that also lives in the same town, and how often you’ll see them blahblahblah. And if you’ve ever experienced this, you’ll know that it really fucking sucks.

Where I’ll start out is if you’ve been in this situation, not even going to college could make this different. It seems like wherever you go in the world, you’re bound to run into someone that you know…or is that just my luck? (On vacation in Alabama AND Tennessee AND Georgia, I ran into people from my small hometown. My boyfriend has also had the experience of running into someone that he knew in Europe that he went to high school with.) So with that being said, my luck would get me to run into the person that I would never want to.

In middle school I was friends with nearly everyone, and that’s not an exaggeration. I mean it’s MIDDLE SCHOOL. Your life should be carefree and full of a bunch of friends, correct? (*whisper* yes! Yes it should!) Mine was until we got a new kid eighth grade year, which wasn’t a common occurrence at my school, and everyone rushed to be friends with him—but me. He sat behind me in English and I found myself asking him questions and just being a complete bitch to him, because quite frankly I found it fun. It was “international hug day” (and that’s literally just how my class was everyday) so my friend, who was also a female, and I stood at the door of our English class and hugged every person that came in. We would switch off between people and of course it really didn’t matter in the first place since we hugged our classmates on a regular basis anyways. He (I’m just going to refer to him like this, because he’s not worth a name) came in and immediately came to me to hug me, and since it was “international hug day” I absolutely had to. Ever since that moment, it seemed like we were in Vampire Diaries and had the doppelgänger curse where we seemed to be DRAWN to each other. Coincidentally he then became best friends with my “best friends” and it was just like we were destined to be best friends, or even something more. We were in track together, so that was something ELSE that we had to do together. I had the biggest crush on a guy that didn’t know I existed and I was kind of a creepy child, and I’m not going to deny that now. I fully apologize to that man for my creepiness, and if I could do it all over again, I’d have someone slap some fucking common sense into me. Since that happened, I went home one night with whom I referred to as my ‘second mother’. That night, we established (my ‘brother’ and I) that his “friend” liked me and asked if I liked him or not. We ended up petty dating, and it ended before we became freshman. Since we seemed to have the doppelgänger curse, however, we were drawn together all. the. fcking. time! Wherever I would go, he would be there as well, and even though our petty dating didn’t lead to much (except a pity kiss), it seemed to lead to even more since we were cursed. He was my first nearly everything, except for sexual things, even though I honestly thought that he was going to be my first everything, and I honestly think that he was a little bit bitter that he wasn’t. (Losing my virginity wasn’t of my consent, but a girl that I thought was my friend decided that she would tell everyone i was a liar. I had a rough sophomore year because of this.) I stole him from several people, (WHICH I KNOW IS TERRIBLE AND THE BITCHIEST THING A PERSON COULD DO) but it seemed like I needed him, that I was drawn to him. That led a couple of girls to hate me with every bone in their body, and I definitely got death threats in the middle of the school hallway. 

Fast forward throughout high school to my senior year, graduating, to project graduation. He decided to join the army and would be leaving the morning after. Needless to say, he didn’t spend project graduation with me. I had a boyfriend throughout senior year, but would’ve left him in a heartbeat for this man (doppelgänger curse, I’m telling you!) He knew this, and still refused to spend any sort of time with me that night, which led me to just want to go home and crying to my parents (who were chaperones) the entire night. AKA, not a fun night for me. He left the next morning, we didn’t say goodbye to each other, and he would write me letters. He basically (okay, not basically) he LITERALLY confessed his love for me through those letters. Yet, I chose my ‘boyfriend’ (who was also at basic training) over him, and that was his deciding point. I went to college and he came home (which I’ve established, they’re not far away) to work. We saw each other occasionally, but that year is the year we decided that even though we had the doppelgänger curse, we were going to fight it (YAYUS DAMON AND ELENA STYLE. YAYUS) but no, we never slept together, and we never had sexual relations. We would talk on-and-off, but he went to college (and this girl that had stalked him throughout high school waited for him to start college and followed him there) and joined a frat, therefore becoming the average fratdouche (that should literally be a word in the dictionary, because it’s a thing.) He’d visit me occasionally, but would never let me visit him because “She wouldn’t like it” “she” was that stalker bitch and he would complain about who she was always in his room (let me tell you it’s an even longer story if I involve her, but she’s an irrelevant pos.) We saw each other quite often that summer, and he even started acting all doppelgänger-y again. I enjoyed it, and then college started again and it all started the cycle over. We spent some of winter break together, but I worked a lot and had a new boyfriend that was one of the most perfect people ever and I know God put him in my life for a reason. He and I (no, not my boyfriend) continued our married-like doppelgänger fights, and the night before my finals (yes! I said the NIGHT BEFORE MY FINALS) he informed me that he and stalker bitch had been on and off seeing each other since September. I vomited for awhile, and then just started crying. He told me that she was a more important part in life than I, and I was basically irrelevant, but “we could still be friends.” WHAT? I felt like I had just gotten broken up with all over again. (Side note: my parents loved this man and he was basically my family. However, my mom knew we were literally toxic for each other, and my parents absolutely love my boyfriend, and did at the time.) Needless to say after that, she thought it was a good idea to follow me on Twitter. (LAWWWWLLL RIGH…) I was pissed, so yeah, I bashed her on Twitter. Publicly.  Because I really didn’t give a damn shit, and I really still don’t. 

OKAY, THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE THING:::

Sam Hunt claims that you have to move to move-on. I moved, and while I sort of moved on, he was the first person that I ever loved, and we all have a special place in our hearts for our first love. My place of employment educated me that his parents got life-flighted to the University Hospital. (I attend said University, and have classes next to the hospital.) I was anxious, very anxious, that I was going to end up seeing him since obviously he’d come to see his parents. Needless to say, I didn’t. I still care about this man, but he wanted to pick someone who was a stalker and literally all she wanted was him. (She is the girl who threatened to slit my throat in high school. In front of his face.) So let bygones be bygones and let two pos’s be together, but that doesn’t stop you from not caring, and that doesn’t fit Sam Hunt’s morals because I moved. While I’ve moved on in some senses, I haven’t moved past the fact that even though the doppelgänger curse brought us together, it was the same thing that tore our friendship apart. Had we not been cursed with that, we wouldn’t have been cursed with the toxic relationship we experienced. Instead, he may have very-well been my best friend, and he might still be in my life. But everything happens for a reason. and if you break up in a small town, move. It may not immediately help you move on, but it’ll definitely help you move on from your toxic relationships, and help you become a better person because of this experiences.

(DEUCES TO THOSE POS’S BECAUSE….LYF) 

I am literally at the point in my life where I’m between a shit hole and a shit hole, and let me tell you, it really fucking sucks. BEWARE: THIS IS A HUGE FUCKING RANT.

People don’t seem to understand that having a job in college is one of the most difficult things that a person does, unless it’s a part-time restaurant job or whatever because I did that and I enjoyed it. However, I currently work for a job that requires me to work a certain number of hours per week. My job is 45 minutes away from where I live at school, so I have to drive 45 minutes to get there. I can only get there at a certain time, and I can’t stay after a certain period either. I do general work, but it’s the same thing over and over again. Since their requirements are ABSOLUTE even though I’m in school and CLEARLY struggling to get various doctors appointments in as well as the time I’m “required” to do (it’s not required, it’s a suggestion. I also am the top producer at work, but it doesn’t seem to matter.) So basically, I feel worthless at work. My supervisor informed me that my boss wasn’t happy about it, and I soon after found out i had pneumonia. She then told him he needs to pull his head out of his ass because I’m not taking off for shits and giggles (I also have a failed root canal that I’ve taken off for, whoooo.)

Yes, I’ve looked for another job. I’ve even had interviews, but I don’t want to work retail because I love Black Friday too much.

After that, my family is a complete hot mess. I don’t go to school that far from home, so I’ll go home occasionally because I have 6 nieces and nephews, and some of them are babies and when i was a freshman I didn’t come home for awhile and my baby nephew didn’t know who I was; and I was devastated. My family, however, is one of the biggest shitshows. My sisters have had their fair share of shitty experiences, but they also but themselves in it, too. One of my sisters finds it unnecessary to take responsibility of half of her children (2/4), so my parents accept them since one of them goes to their dad’s on the weekend and the other one’s dad isn’t in his life (so “he doesn’t have anyone but them”, according to my mother. Note: his father is a convict and currently in prison. He’s been in and out the last 10 years. His family are similar.) 

Sister #1, that’s working on baby daddy #3, refuses to leave baby daddy #3 even though he’s kind of a piece of shit. He’s an alcoholic, which seems to be popular amongst people in my life, and will drive with the other half of children that’re his if he and my sister get in a fight. he Literally calls nephew #2 a piece of shit and that he “hates” them, and my sister still doesn’t see the problem. Therefore, my eldest nephews seem to always come to my parents house and my sister will leave them here because that is “what needs to happen” so that “they can spend time with their kids alone”. He sounds like a fucking winner right?!?!?!

On top of that: my mother feels sorry for my nephew because “every other kid has other grandparents and people for them in their life!” (My family is very supportive, and my grandparents (which would be their greats) often watch them as well). I often point out that there’re SEVERAL kids who don’t even have grandparents out there, but “oh” it’s the “same” as my nephew having a personality disorder because his dad is a fuckup (he introduces different ladies into his life every couple of months that he drops everything— even his only son— for)

My living situation is also another story. My roommates are pretty average. They’re not shitty, but at the same time they’re not the most fantastic human beings ever, and I really don’t want to mention anything they do that bothers me because my last roommates were complete cunts and would degrade me at any chance they got (there’re several witnesses, I’m not just being dramatic.) One of my roommates claims herself as a “clean freak” but only seems to clean up my stuff. (EX: I had food on top of a cabinet that we keep our extras that won’t fit in the pantry in, because they didn’t fit in the pantry. She shoves them in the pantry. But people can keep their dishes in the sink for 5 days. Yeah! Also, one of them finds it necessary to leave food that the gnats start to get in our fridge and eat off of. Oh, one also puts everything in the dishwasher, and when i mean everything, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. From wooden spoons (which soak up a lot of bacteria when put in the dishwasher and AREN’T supposed to go in there) to pots and pizza pants that belong to someone else. They also don’t understand the concept of DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT; So our utility bill is $90 a person. Casual.

With all this being lightly stated (yeah, it gets so much more into bullshit detail), I’m completely stressed out at everything that’s happening with my life. I get really depressed and it drives me to just complete and utter sadness. Complete. I’ve never felt this low and depressed in my life that all I want to do is go home and sleep (granted, I have pneumonia, and it’s required to get a lot of sleep) I feel that I physically can’t do what I”m supposed to do, and anything that I do, it’s never good enough.

SO IF SOMEONE HAS ANY DAMN SUGGESTIONS…. I’D BE GREATLY OPEN TO THEM, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO DRIVE MYSELF TO THE POINT WHERE I’M THE NEXT 1,000 POUND WOMAN FROM STRESS FAT.

Thought Ponderings.

"Everything happens for a reason..."

Or does it? I've been contemplating this statement the past couple of days. Why? I thought I was a firm believer in this statement, however I've realized there're some flaws to the statement, the biggest one being death.

On Saturday I was informed of one of my relatives deaths via voicemail. I immediately started bawling because even though I wasn't necessarily on an extreme personal level with this person, we had attended the same grade school together, were around the same age, and obviously grew up around each other since we were related as well. This death nearly immediately sparked to my emotions because (guiltily every death that happens to someone my age affects me emotionally) but because this has seemed to happen to my family for awhile, and I just don't see why God would have this plan for people.

I understand that it is His choice of when the right time is to call someone back to Him, but at the same time I wonder if sometimes He doesn't want the person to be called back, but then gets upset by this (ie: suicide, accidents) and with a strong regard to accidents, I want to believe this badly. This is the third death for just that side of my family (my family tree is weird, I don't even understand it), and last year a different family, but one we were still related to, lost someone via the same thing: car accidents.

While I can sit here and say "don't drink and drive", "always buckle up" I'll tell you I'm not the first one to be an extreme advocate for those things, and I don't think anyone is, but everyone grows up and everyone goes through things that change them as a person. For this accident, however, it was different. Nobody is going to know how it happened (with the exception of bystanders, witnesses, of course) but the fact of the matter should be that people died. It shouldn't be "well, it's this persons fault, so it's not sad anymore, it's just sad they murdered those people," because if you think of it, it couldn't happen to anyone. The safest of people? Yeah, it could happen to you too. It could happen to any single person and until the day people realize that, just pray that nothing happens and the public decides to shame your family member for something that nobody is going to know what exactly happened or how traffic was to that person.

The fact of the matter is, is that God seems to call people back, if it is His calling via car accidents, at all the wrong times and typically to those who are the weakest. I've always accepted that death is inevitable, but it still phases (and I don't see how it doesn't phase everyone) when someone around my age, anyone for that matter, dies. I just want to know how many people believe that everything happens for a reason has exceptions, those being accidents? Or if it's something that the Good Lord does? And if it is, I can't wait until the day that I can ask why, because I don't understand why it would ever happen to a family, to young children losing their parents, to ANYONE losing ANY PERSON in their family. I just want to know why.

So I know this was basically just ranting of my choice to believe in a higher power, but honestly in a time of tragedy, it is something that people tend to lean toward regardless of their feelings prior. (Side note: I've always believed in a higher power. I respect you if you do not, but it is my own personal belief to believe in a higher power. I may not be strong towards the feeling of my certain religion, but I will always believe in a higher power.) Basically the moral of this is to question why this higher power would call back those people, or if there are exceptions to the rule. Also to advocate not only for safe drivers (I'm definitely not saying my relative was a terrible driver, because I know the story and they did nothing wrong) but just in general, and also that while others are in a time of tragedy, regardless of what/how it happened, just keep in mind that there's more than one person that lost someone in your life.

Be a courteous person. Especially to those who need it most.

To his new girlfriend, please be assertive with him like the woman you are...

To you, his new girlfriend, 

To you, this may sound like a bitter rant about one of my exes. To me, this is something I have held in for so long. I don't want you to go through the same things that I did because it will degrade you as a person and affect you way more than it ever should.

When you first meet him, he probably makes you swoon over his beautiful eyes, the things he says to you, and just overall the way he treats you. He'll make you feel like you're on top of the world and that you're the only person in the room when you're in public. He'll tell you about his child, everything about her, and you'll think that it's kind of cute how he's so into her when most teenage dad's weren't into their children when they were born. You think he's a special case and you'll fall in love with his child because he treats her amazingly. You'll talk until all ends of the night about your possible future together, way too early in the game, but you're completely head over heels so you don't mind. He'll tell you he's changed from his past relationships and he might also add in some horror stories about how bitchy his exes were, baby momma included. 

Then after a couple of weeks, you'll start to notice something. You'll start to notice the eerie way that he always calls you "baby girl" and will never call you by your name. He'll never call you "beautiful" or any endearing names of that sort to compliment you as a person. You may occasionally go out and do things, but it is often seldom, and you'll get weirded out of the amount of time you're spending at his parent's house. You'll notice the way he hides his phone from you and you don't know the password to it, and this might make you worried. You'll notice how you feel that you shouldn't have gotten into a sexual relationship so fast, because this is all he wants. He'll make his ultimate goal to please you, and will make it seem like you never please him. You first admire his ability to go every day, multiple times, but soon get tired of the fact that he brags you can never please him. 

You'll start to notice the way he treats his child like she is his sibling. Sure, she's older now than what she was whenever I was with him, but he more than likely still treats her like his younger sister, like she's a nuisance on his life. The child will turn to you for comfort, she'll admire every bit of your being because you actually care about her; you're there for her. You'll start to look at the way that he degrades you. You'll walk in his house, and his mother will tell you that you look beautiful. You'll feel so confident until you see him and he'll scoff and tell you that "she doesn't know what she's talking about". You may "play fight" a little, but you'll notice how it gets to be a little too much, maybe even to the point that you get hurt from it. When you're apart, you'll notice that he doesn't reply all that fast, but if you don't, then he has a serious problem with you that he'll address when he sees you later. That may coincide with some yelling, some shutting out, and some name-calling that will make you feel very unworthy of him. He acts like he's the king and you're his peasant. You're there to serve him and please him, occasionally maybe some emotional support and feeling will come out, but this is rare.

The biggest red flag you'll occur upon is the fact that other girls are writing on his Facebook wall, or liking his statuses. They say social media ruins our relationships, and you'll blow it off as he mentions that they're "just a friend". You notice yourself not getting jealous, because he has a "flirty personality" and apparently every girl on planet Earth wants him. You'll notice this until the day that he leaves his phone in the room and you've finally figured out the password to his phone, or he magically left it unlocked. Your gut will tell you to look through the messages he's sending to people, but then you'll think of yourself as a bad girlfriend. Whether you decide to or not is up to you, but let me tell you if you hadn't, you'd find messages from people with rude names, or maybe even their real name. Their conversations would have him calling the person beautiful, baby, and him telling them that they love them and can't wait to see them again. This will entirely break your heart, and you'll confront him about it. You'll have to listen to him degrade you even more, he may even lay his hands on you, and then he'll become emotional and cry about how "he didn't mean it in that way, she just took it the wrong way" he may mention something about "you know what I think about you so I don't need to say it, and you know I want you forever." He'll try so hard to make it seem like it wasn't anything that was his fault, and you'll brush it off because you care too much about his child and her well-being, that you feel if you would be left a part of you would be gone because of your attachment to her.

And even if you do get the point of leaving, something will tell you not to, because you know whatever he does, it'll haunt you. It will haunt you when you sleep, when you wake up, wherever you go, and anything you do will be scrutinized by his mother, and she'll then start to degrade every little thing you do as well, no matter how much she acted like she liked you. No matter how much you had in common.

I know you know me, and I know you as well. We went to high school together, and while we were never close, we had quite a few of the same friends; we even got mistaken for each other in the hallway. You're going to think I'm mentioning all this as an act of jealousy, when that's actually far from it. You see, I got a text message from this man not long ago that he was going to end his life. I attempted to make him in a better mood so he wouldn't take his life because I'm that type of person, nobody wants that to happen to someone. He told be the only way he would be happy was if I was with him. Shortly after he found you. I applauded him for finding you for a short time, until I started to see your interactions and the things he would say to you. They were the exact same things he'd say to me. "I'll get it for you, baby girl" (without the grammatical correctness because he thinks it's correct and if you say something, then he'll act like you're a real dumbass), posting on your Facebook wall of songs that he thinks remind him of you, and telling you that he just can't wait to see you. All while you're probably having a conversation via texting, maybe even the phone. He didn't do this with his last ex. He actually treated her like a person sometimes, but when it all ended she still told me "you were right." and that's definitely not something I yearn for, it's something that disgusts me.

I know deep down in my heart, that he hasn't changed as a person. If he changed, he'd be a completely different person, not near the same person that he is now. I'm not writing this out of jealousy or spite, regardless of how much I dislike him, but you don't deserve to be degraded. You deserve to be treated like a human being, like someone who he's not going to take you to a high school dance, grind on various other girls and expect you to think nothing of it. You deserve to be the person who's walked to your front door and simply kissed goodnight, not the person who's walking out the door after he demands you have sex, since "that's what you're supposed to do."

Finally, you deserve to be treated like the type of person you are; an amazing one. You deserve to be treated like the girl who's emotionally keeping a child somewhat stable. You deserve apologies. You deserve to be told you're beautiful, because you are a beautiful person at heart. You don't deserve to be degraded from someone who's getting satisfaction from other girls at the same time. You don't deserve to be the type of person who gets played for being the dumbass, gets degraded for who you are as a person, for the things you like and cherish. You deserve to be you, and he deserves to be him, but just because he deserves to be him doesn't give him the right to push you around and degrade like it's nothing. If this is happening, change it, because I want you to continue to be the bubbly girl walking around campus. I don't want you to be the person trying to keep yourself emotionally stable, because someone is abusing your emotions.

Sincerely, 
the Ex-Girlfriend you knew that "randomly changed" in high school from some guy.

This month has been an entire shitshow in the land of college, and well life in general. Living on a street with all college kids was typically okay (unless they had parties), until this past week one of my lovely neighbors decided to go car-to-car, magically open up a locked car, and take my iPod and wallet. First was my wallet and I was entirely upset because I thought it was for my license. Come to find out later that night, one of the neighbors found my license & school ID at the end of the street (I don't live near the end of the street) after we'd looked or them earlier in the day. The next day, the leasing agency everyone leases from sent out an e-mail stating they had a wallet. It was mine and the maintenance man had found it in someone's trash, knowing they had probably took it since the police had informed them, and brought it back there. They then found my credit cards, and everything else I was missing from the prior day. All of this, after looking each time, made me realize it had to have been one of my neighbors; which pisses me off the most. My iPod got stolen the next day from my car, which was locked, and I haven't found it since. So I'm totally a happy camper.

My roommates were prettttyyy chill, until I feel uncomfortable like I'm the outcast since everyone else seems to be friends; but me. One is also very cleanly, and every time I do anything I feel that I am being dirty and pissing her off, which is one of the worst feelings. Ever since this has all occurred I've wanted to move desperately, but it seems as if all of the good houses that I could afford with other people are taken, or in in the subdivision I currently live in, just not on a street with college kids.

I think the main part of this blog post wasn't entirely to vent, but to mostly just state that you never know who you're getting when you're picking a place to live. You never know your roommates, unless you've lived with them before of course, and you never know your neighbors. It has been a year since I have lived here and this has never happened until now, and I can tell you that I am entirely disappointed. I've never felt more ashamed to live where I live and around who I live, because I thought it was a fantastic community: but I was dead wrong. Hopefully things start to turn around, especially since I'm everly tired of the constant group projects I've been working on and will have to keep working on ):