Is there a point in time where it’s too soon to settle down? I don’t mean like high school or anything, either. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for some reason, but I’m ALSO a firm believer in sometimes you choose your own fate.
(Rant about my life because it wouldn’t be a blog if it wasn’t.) I wasn’t necessarily socially awkward in high school by any means at all, but I feel that the deeper I go into college, and my relationship, I get more and more socially awkward. I fear so much of others judging me because that’s what we, as humans, do. We judge other people, and it’s usually critically. I’ve been judged for everything under the sun, some things that I would never do in my life. Rumors are the biggest bitch as well, which is somewhat of a harsh judgment in my opinion, and some people just don’t grow up from them. I was one of those people in high school that wouldn’t start a “rumor”, I just told stories that I, and others, knew were true, and some just assumed they were false. (For example—I LOVE EXAMPLES: Freshman year in high school, the time when cell phones magically became a huge thing in the world, I was casually flipping through a girls pictures because, well, that’s just what we did and it was a known thing. I came across a picture of her boobs—it was her and her face in the mirror, mind you, and was like “oh my goodness, look what i just found!” Showed another girl. She told the P.E. teacher and all hell broke loose. Apparently it wasn’t a picture of her but “some random girl” that “couldn’t be her, ever.” Lawl, okay. You get my point, though).
I was the type of person that fell over any guy who paid me any sort of attention. It only gets worse over time, too, and I only got worse over time as well. I’ve talked about my doppelgänger and how he basically ruined my life, but this isn’t just about him. He was a major part of my life, and I often still feel myself lost without him. In my heart, I know that had he ended up being a different person than who he hung out with in high school and if I had opened my eyes, we probably would have been together at this point in life. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe just out of one, but I firmly believe that. I also firmly believe, however, that I can get insane sometimes. I had a boyfriend in high school that I should’ve ended it with day 3, but I was stupid and all I really wanted was a relationship (or so I thought.) It was abusive, not necessarily physically all the time, but it definitely took a toll on who I was as a person, especially him demanding sex daily, and sometimes even more than that. I was unhappy with myself freshman year of college and thought I had found someone who was going to like me for, ya know, me. I was wrong, and he ended up making me feel worse about myself. I was thoroughly not interested in a relationship at that point, but just the feeling of being loved. I went back to people I had been with in the past (lol.) and it was making me worse and worse. On top of all that, I had the roommates from fucking hell and I just hated my life ultimately. I met a man while I was still a freshman, talking to the other man, and we instantaneously became friends—nothing sexual.
Somewhere along the lines (which are very blurred because I have a very bad memory here lately) we got into a sexual relationship. I was terrified it would end up like my last “friendship” and fail miserably with me feeling like asshole, so I just didn’t talk to him. Great solution, right? BUT, IT WAS. I never texted him first, he only texted me first. It only made him want me more, of course, and there was a point in time where I was actually happy. We wouldn’t have sex every time we hung out, and I loved it. I thought he’d feel the same way, and was planning on going to a party at his frat to actually see if he was any sort of serious about the situation. Well, that fell through. OF course it fell through, right? I didn’t end up going to said party—we didn’t end up talking.
I got really depressed with my life, and was going insane over everything that was happening in my life due to my shitty ass year, so I started talking to someone who I felt I could relate to more than the man i was penetrating with, and befriended him. Said man had a girlfriend, and chose her ultimately over me, and I got really sad because it seemed like my life was going to be that cycle. I was to the point of ending my life one Friday in the beginning of November because I didn’t want the cycle to start over. I literally could not handle it. That night, my current boyfriend came into my life, and i took that as a sign. I ended things with everyone else sexually and started platonic relationships with the man I had been in a “frelationship” with. He was angry, but ultimately agreed that we would both be shitty people to start a relationship since we were different.
That being set out and said, I love my boyfriend. I really do have love for him and he makes me genuinely happy. Here lately he makes me very mad and upset, though. The beginning of our relationship was automatically sex (which is terrible, I know) and it seemed to continue. Now, however, we rarely ever have sex and he always tries. I know Cosmo says healthy couples are ones who have sex often, but I just don’t feel it a lot. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, because I really am. He’s an attractive man, and our personalities mesh well. I just don’t know if there’s something else I should be doing with my life. I’m currently sitting at home on a Friday night at 10 PM waiting for him to come home so that we can go to my parents house. In the back of my mind, though, I think I should be going out with my friends (even though I don’t have many at all), going to a club, celebrating my school’s championship game, etc.
And I don’t know how to not feel that I shouldn’t be in my relationship. It’s a terrible feeling, and I need clarity.
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