Have you ever been incredulously butthurt by what someone judged you for? For example, if you're college life involved something like sleeping with a vast amount of people and you weren’t ashamed? Well, that’s my life. (I’m going to start putting TLDR’s so if you don’t want to hear my rant about life that brought me to this conclusion, skip down to the TLDR)
In high school, I admittedly slept with a good amount of people and was known as my high schools “whore.” Going to an incredibly small high school, this was one of the biggest devastations, obviously. I slept with so many people in high school (not even double digits, however) because I just wanted someone to love me. That is literally all I ever wanted: someone to accept me for me, and fall in love with me. There were several people that would come and would go, and I was unfortunately one of the stupid ones.
Well college was kind of the same, too. I went in to college with no random hook-ups, no spontaneous dates of weird kinds until I went through a really tough break-up. I broke up with my abusive partner, and I cried in the middle of philosophy class. Shit, I don’t even know why. We hadn’t talked in nearly a month and were still somehow considered “in a relationship”? I was using that time to find myself, or at least what I thought was finding myself, and I still ended up bawling my eyes out over it. I feel like this could explain how much of an emotional person that I am. After the situation with him, I began “dating” an individual that I had dated for a long time. He told me that he didn’t want it to be “official” because of the fact that his last ‘relationship’ that was official had ended really badly. I stupidly agreed and we continued. I held back from sleeping with him because I like to think that I have morals, and I do, I’m just too much of a pushover to accept my own morals. This sounds bad, but it’s true, and I just have to accept it. So a couple of dates later, we ended up sleeping with each other and shit got weird. I’m not going into detail, because obviously it’s gross. We ended up just falling apart. We didn’t have anything in common, and he liked to smoke a lot of weed (not judging anyone who enjoys partaking in this, but weed makes me —literally— vomit. I can’t take the smell, my senses are super sensitive and yeah, it’s not good.)
This situation ending basically made me feel like I was inferior to others. Like I would never find anyone that would love me or even feel like a good individual. I found this guy on Tinder who was the sweetest of individuals, but I didn’t want to get attached to him since he didn’t seem to want that with me. In order to do this, I started sleeping with several people that I considered my “friends” and obviously this ruined our “friendship” and ultimately made me an even sadder person since my number was now in double digits, and I was still the person who was never loved back, no matter how much passion i put towards a relationship. I still became attached to said individual and he still drew away from me. I was utterly upset when things “ended” and he got tired of putting up with long-distance fucks (he traveled 3 hours to spend a day with me, no sex, and still says he doesn’t care about me—but that’s none of my business.) He started dating my neighbor and I was about to just give up on this shit, because my number was up to 20, and I personally thought that was RIDICULOUS. I discovered my morals again, and stopped sleeping with random people, and actually wanted someone that could be my “fuck buddy” that I knew I wouldn’t get hurt, but at the same time would get sex when I wanted it. I found this person, and I did not let myself get attached to him. I wouldn’t text him. I wouldn’t talk to him if I saw him on campus, and I plain acted like i just didn’t care about him. He talked about his ex a lot which should’ve been a red flag I guess, but we actually had a genuine friendship, I felt like. We would talk as friends, have sex, and then continue our conversation. Let me tell you, it’s a damn beautiful thing when you can come to the point in your life that you learn not to care. I still felt a sort of emptiness, though, because I knew I wanted a relationship, but I wanted a relationship with someone that wanted a relationship with me as well. I had been friends with this man that had a girlfriend, and it obviously wasn’t going anywhere.
*Flashback to last year* it was my school’s homecoming, and homecoming at my school is a huge deal. Both individuals that were just spoken about in the latter were in Greek Life, and GL is a huge part of Hoco as well. The man with the girlfriend and I had begun to get each other, and not in a sexual way. We got each other emotionally and spiritually, and I felt connected to him…which was a terrible thing. I slept with my fuck-buddy on choosing night, and the man with the girlfriend was asking me “why i wasn’t there with him.” This got me contemplating my relationships in life, so I ultimately decided to stop sleeping with my ‘fuck-buddy’ and continue the friendship that we had built around our fb relationship. The man with the girlfriend was going to leave his girlfriend, and was “pretty serious” about it. One night he got drunk and informed me that it was all a lie to try to get in my pants, and I was just done. I was done with everything, and I went out and drove drunkenly while smoking (yeah, real smart since I’d never smoked much other than hookah) because I felt that I just didn’t care about my life, and that i really wasn’t worth living. I called up one of my good friends whose been there with me through the hardest portions of my life, and he said he was currently at the movies, but as soon as it was over he’d come and get me. So i went to the grocery store that has wifi and did my homework. I decided at this point to get on a dating website I’d signed up with for shits and giggles in high school. It was pretty efficient because I began talking to a man that night who was pretty cool. We ended up hitting it off really well and he met me the next night, even though he was from where I went to school. We made out and all that good stuff, and then established we were neighbors. This man is currently my boyfriend, and I love every little piece of him, but:
TLDR:
Don’t sleep with someone on your first date, or even on your second date unless you just really want a fuck-buddy or want to feel really degraded. Maybe it’s because I’m not the thinnest person in the world, but it seemed as if no matter what I did, no matter what I changed, nobody wanted me for anything other than an easy lay. I found my boyfriend, and we slept together on our second date. It’s one of my biggest regrets in our relationship because after that it’s like we refused to get to know each other on a deeper level until one of us established it. We have since then, but it seems as if it’s unimportant at times.
This whole blog stems off of people judging you for the number of people you’ve slept with, and my number is clearly at 22 if you read in between the TLDR (which I definitely don’t expect because it’s a rant and build-up.) This number is extremely high, but apparently in order to be considered having a “sexual problem” that number has to be 50+, and I’m not even halfway there. While I know the reasoning behind my “problem” of sleeping with other people, (that I didn’t mention in this blog, but I’ve mentioned in previous ones) it’s not an “excuse” for it. I was playing Truth or Dare with my roommates and boyfriend out to eat one night, and my number was revealed. Both of my roommates’ opinions changed about me, and you could see it in their faces, after this was revealed.
My hope? That we’ll live in a world where people will start to understand some things. I would in a heartbeat go back and be my boyfriend’s first. I would be his first everything because he means that much to me—but I can’t go back. If someone’s currently a whore and sleeping with various people, that’s cool if your opinion changes of them then, there’s nothing you can do about that. However, if a person has been in a relationship for almost a year, don’t judge them for something that they’ve done in their past—unless it was murder, or something like that. If it’s something that’s happened in the past, get the fuck over it. We’re in college, and while that’s no excuse, it fucking happens. People sleep with people, and while that’s mostly drunken nights, you’re not going to judge someone today for something that happened 2 years ago, are you? You’re not going to judge someone for something that they did in college while they were drunk trying to have the time of their lives. Nearly everything I did was extremely safe, and I never did anything with some random as stranger (with a semi exception of one time, because I’m bad at remembering last names) and I never would. I’m fully convinced that the number of people someone sleeps with (that’s not an addiction or problem) shouldn’t matter to people (especially when if you look at it, the number of people that I slept with in college isn’t that much compared to other college students, and if I had to do it all again; it'd be 0.) So the next time you judge someone else for something like that, put yourself in their shoes. Empathize with them. Maybe then our world wouldn’t be such a corrupt fucking place.
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