Stop being such a judgmental bitch...

Have you ever been incredulously butthurt by what someone judged you for? For example, if you're college life involved something like sleeping with a vast amount of people and you weren’t ashamed? Well, that’s my life. (I’m going to start putting TLDR’s so if you don’t want to hear my rant about life that brought me to this conclusion, skip down to the TLDR)

In high school, I admittedly slept with a good amount of people and was known as my high schools “whore.” Going to an incredibly small high school, this was one of the biggest devastations, obviously. I slept with so many people in high school (not even double digits, however) because I just wanted someone to love me. That is literally all I ever wanted: someone to accept me for me, and fall in love with me. There were several people that would come and would go, and I was unfortunately one of the stupid ones.

Well college was kind of the same, too. I went in to college with no random hook-ups, no spontaneous dates of weird kinds until I went through a really tough break-up. I broke up with my abusive partner, and I cried in the middle of philosophy class. Shit, I don’t even know why. We hadn’t talked in nearly a month and were still somehow considered “in a relationship”? I was using that time to find myself, or at least what I thought was finding myself, and I still ended up bawling my eyes out over it. I feel like this could explain how much of an emotional person that I am. After the situation with him, I began “dating” an individual that I had dated for a long time. He told me that he didn’t want it to be “official” because of the fact that his last ‘relationship’ that was official had ended really badly. I stupidly agreed and we continued. I held back from sleeping with him because I like to think that I have morals, and I do, I’m just too much of a pushover to accept my own morals. This sounds bad, but it’s true, and I just have to accept it. So a couple of dates later, we ended up sleeping with each other and shit got weird. I’m not going into detail, because obviously it’s gross. We ended up just falling apart. We didn’t have anything in common, and he liked to smoke a lot of weed (not judging anyone who enjoys partaking in this, but weed makes me —literally— vomit. I can’t take the smell, my senses are super sensitive and yeah, it’s not good.) 

This situation ending basically made me feel like I was inferior to others. Like I would never find anyone that would love me or even feel like a good individual. I found this guy on Tinder who was the sweetest of individuals, but I didn’t want to get attached to him since he didn’t seem to want that with me. In order to do this, I started sleeping with several people that I considered my “friends” and obviously this ruined our “friendship” and ultimately made me an even sadder person since my number was now in double digits, and I was still the person who was never loved back, no matter how much passion i put towards a relationship. I still became attached to said individual and he still drew away from me. I was utterly upset when things “ended” and he got tired of putting up with long-distance fucks (he traveled 3 hours to spend a day with me, no sex, and still says he doesn’t care about me—but that’s none of my business.) He started dating my neighbor and I was about to just give up on this shit, because my number was up to 20, and I personally thought that was RIDICULOUS. I discovered my morals again, and stopped sleeping with random people, and actually wanted someone that could be my “fuck buddy” that I knew I wouldn’t get hurt, but at the same time would get sex when I wanted it. I found this person, and I did not let myself get attached to him. I wouldn’t text him. I wouldn’t talk to him if I saw him on campus, and I plain acted like i just didn’t care about him. He talked about his ex a lot which should’ve been a red flag I guess, but we actually had a genuine friendship, I felt like. We would talk as friends, have sex, and then continue our conversation. Let me tell you, it’s a damn beautiful thing when you can come to the point in your life that you learn not to care. I still felt a sort of emptiness, though, because I knew I wanted a relationship, but I wanted a relationship with someone that wanted a relationship with me as well. I had been friends with this man that had a girlfriend, and it obviously wasn’t going anywhere. 

*Flashback to last year* it was my school’s homecoming, and homecoming at my school is a huge deal. Both individuals that were just spoken about in the latter were in Greek Life, and GL is a huge part of Hoco as well. The man with the girlfriend and I had begun to get each other, and not in a sexual way. We got each other emotionally and spiritually, and I felt connected to him…which was a terrible thing. I slept with my fuck-buddy on choosing night, and the man with the girlfriend was asking me “why i wasn’t there with him.” This got me contemplating my relationships in life, so I ultimately decided to stop sleeping with my ‘fuck-buddy’ and continue the friendship that we had built around our fb relationship. The man with the girlfriend was going to leave his girlfriend, and  was “pretty serious” about it. One night he got drunk and informed me that it was all a lie to try to get in my pants, and I was just done. I was done with everything, and I went out and drove drunkenly while smoking (yeah, real smart since I’d never smoked much other than hookah) because I felt that I just didn’t care about my life, and that i really wasn’t worth living. I called up one of my good friends whose been there with me through the hardest portions of my life, and he said he was currently at the movies, but as soon as it was over he’d come and get me. So i went to the grocery store that has wifi and did my homework. I decided at this point to get on a dating website I’d signed up with for shits and giggles in high school. It was pretty efficient because I began talking to a man that night who was pretty cool. We ended up hitting it off really well and he met me the next night, even though he was from where I went to school. We made out and all that good stuff, and then established we were neighbors. This man is currently my boyfriend, and I love every little piece of him, but:

TLDR:

Don’t sleep with someone on your first date, or even on your second date unless you just really want a fuck-buddy or want to feel really degraded. Maybe it’s because I’m not the thinnest person in the world, but it seemed as if no matter what I did, no matter what I changed, nobody wanted me for anything other than an easy lay. I found my boyfriend, and we slept together on our second date. It’s one of my biggest regrets in our relationship because after that it’s like we refused to get to know each other on a deeper level until one of us established it. We have since then, but it seems as if it’s unimportant at times.

This whole blog stems off of people judging you for the number of people you’ve slept with, and my number is clearly at 22 if you read in between the TLDR (which I definitely don’t expect because it’s a rant and build-up.) This number is extremely high, but apparently in order to be considered having a “sexual problem” that number has to be 50+, and I’m not even halfway there. While I know the reasoning behind my “problem” of sleeping with other people, (that I didn’t mention in this blog, but I’ve mentioned in previous ones) it’s not an “excuse” for it. I was playing Truth or Dare with my roommates and boyfriend out to eat one night, and my number was revealed. Both of my roommates’ opinions changed about me, and you could see it in their faces, after this was revealed. 

My hope? That we’ll live in a world where people will start to understand some things. I would in a heartbeat go back and be my boyfriend’s first. I would be his first everything because he means that much to me—but I can’t go back. If someone’s currently a whore and sleeping with various people, that’s cool if your opinion changes of them then, there’s nothing you can do about that. However, if a person has been in a relationship for almost a year, don’t judge them for something that they’ve done in their past—unless it was murder, or something like that. If it’s something that’s happened in the past, get the fuck over it. We’re in college, and while that’s no excuse, it fucking happens. People sleep with people, and while that’s mostly drunken nights, you’re not going to judge someone today for something that happened 2 years ago, are you? You’re not going to judge someone for something that they did in college while they were drunk trying to have the time of their lives. Nearly everything I did was extremely safe, and I never did anything with some random as stranger (with a semi exception of one time, because I’m bad at remembering last names) and I never would. I’m fully convinced that the number of people someone sleeps with (that’s not an addiction or problem) shouldn’t matter to people (especially when if you look at it, the number of people that I slept with in college isn’t that much compared to other college students, and if I had to do it all again; it'd be 0.) So the next time you judge someone else for something like that, put yourself in their shoes. Empathize with them. Maybe then our world wouldn’t be such a corrupt fucking place.

Who else REALLLY loves group work? 

There might be a couple of people who raise their hands and praise, but altogether, people completely dread it. Maybe in high school where you were BFF’s with everyone and it was social hour, but in college it’s pure hell. 

The major that I am in has a lot of group work in it. When I say a lot, I mean every single class, and I’m taking 5 classes. Some of the group work was rather small and not as involved, but most of it is a long, drawn out process that makes you want to pull your hair out. The group work that I did recently involved a group of 5-7 people discussing a topic they were “all interested in” which was a joke, because not everyone was interested in the topic they ended up getting stuck with. I’m not a very persistent person, either, so I don’t really fight things unless it’s something I firmly believe in and am educated about.

So I joined this group casually and we had things due a lot. A lot throughout the week, and at the end of our project experience we were to present (no, not all of us) and then rate our group. Our group consisted of two rather quiet people, three people that literally just went with the flow, and two leaders. This caused a little bit of conflict because one of the leaders took on a lot, because it was what she was passionate about. All the rest of us weren’t passionate, and she found that she favored a certain topic more than the rest of us, so she got  most of the research off the bat, and then we divided it up. They always wanted to do group meetings, and would still meet without all of the members there, because “that’s when they could do it.” They would not be willing to work around others’ times, because “they just couldn’t”, but expected people to naturally falter to their times. (I work Wednesday’s. All day. So naturally I couldn’t meet then and that’s when they did a majority of the time.) The next time I was required to do something for the group, i was supposed to meet someone to redesign our webpage. The girl who originally chose the template chose the most gothic looking one and didn’t like it, but we couldn’t change it that much since it went mainly off of your original template. Also, the time I was supposed to meet with that girl, I was attending my cousins visitation, and couldn’t really.

Weeelll, today we got the results of those back and our teacher typed out suggestions for our group. She informed us that we did well in what we did, but that people felt that the group work wasn’t all put in by certain people. I’m sorry? What? Just because you’re distributing things, and others cannot be there whenever you distribute them, this should not make someone a bitter asshole towards it. This should make the person more accepting of people since NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SCHEDULE and not make people bitter towards everyone in the group. I know that I was more than likely one of those people, but that’s what you get when you have an imbalance of power. 

SO BASICALLY, for group work if it’s something that absolutely HAS to occur: if you’re one of those people that naturally feels passionate about something, don’t make it your point to take on a huge load of things and then bitch about it later on. That’s your own fault because you were the one that was extremely passionate about it and personally felt responsible, apparently. Secondly, if you’re naturally one of those people that goes-with-the-flow, try to speak out more. If you don’t, it’s only going to fuck you over in the end. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like groups, accept it. It’ll literally happen your entire life. However, don’t expect all that much out of people. If you’re expecting a lot, you’re not necessarily going to get it because everyone’s different and everyone has a different schedule and things happen in life — especially in college— so don’t be a bitter bitch about it.

Because I'm actually really a doppelganger

(HEY THIS IS ANOTHER RANT BECAUSE LIFE IS FUN RIGHT NOW. ALSO, I USE THE WORD DOPPELGÄNGER A LOT. AND I LIKE BOLD AND UNDERLINES.YAY)

You know that song that talks about breaking up in a small town? Well, if you haven’t heard it, you should go and listen to it (especially if you’re from a small town, in my opinion) and have experienced something of the similar. I personally had a disgusting face the first time I listened to it because he was talking throughout the song. If it’s a song why would you talk? Yeah, I don’t know, but it’s grown on me, or maybe it’s just my delusional state from being at work for an ungodly amount of hours. Anyway, the song is basically about living in a small town and breaking up with your significant other that also lives in the same town, and how often you’ll see them blahblahblah. And if you’ve ever experienced this, you’ll know that it really fucking sucks.

Where I’ll start out is if you’ve been in this situation, not even going to college could make this different. It seems like wherever you go in the world, you’re bound to run into someone that you know…or is that just my luck? (On vacation in Alabama AND Tennessee AND Georgia, I ran into people from my small hometown. My boyfriend has also had the experience of running into someone that he knew in Europe that he went to high school with.) So with that being said, my luck would get me to run into the person that I would never want to.

In middle school I was friends with nearly everyone, and that’s not an exaggeration. I mean it’s MIDDLE SCHOOL. Your life should be carefree and full of a bunch of friends, correct? (*whisper* yes! Yes it should!) Mine was until we got a new kid eighth grade year, which wasn’t a common occurrence at my school, and everyone rushed to be friends with him—but me. He sat behind me in English and I found myself asking him questions and just being a complete bitch to him, because quite frankly I found it fun. It was “international hug day” (and that’s literally just how my class was everyday) so my friend, who was also a female, and I stood at the door of our English class and hugged every person that came in. We would switch off between people and of course it really didn’t matter in the first place since we hugged our classmates on a regular basis anyways. He (I’m just going to refer to him like this, because he’s not worth a name) came in and immediately came to me to hug me, and since it was “international hug day” I absolutely had to. Ever since that moment, it seemed like we were in Vampire Diaries and had the doppelgänger curse where we seemed to be DRAWN to each other. Coincidentally he then became best friends with my “best friends” and it was just like we were destined to be best friends, or even something more. We were in track together, so that was something ELSE that we had to do together. I had the biggest crush on a guy that didn’t know I existed and I was kind of a creepy child, and I’m not going to deny that now. I fully apologize to that man for my creepiness, and if I could do it all over again, I’d have someone slap some fucking common sense into me. Since that happened, I went home one night with whom I referred to as my ‘second mother’. That night, we established (my ‘brother’ and I) that his “friend” liked me and asked if I liked him or not. We ended up petty dating, and it ended before we became freshman. Since we seemed to have the doppelgänger curse, however, we were drawn together all. the. fcking. time! Wherever I would go, he would be there as well, and even though our petty dating didn’t lead to much (except a pity kiss), it seemed to lead to even more since we were cursed. He was my first nearly everything, except for sexual things, even though I honestly thought that he was going to be my first everything, and I honestly think that he was a little bit bitter that he wasn’t. (Losing my virginity wasn’t of my consent, but a girl that I thought was my friend decided that she would tell everyone i was a liar. I had a rough sophomore year because of this.) I stole him from several people, (WHICH I KNOW IS TERRIBLE AND THE BITCHIEST THING A PERSON COULD DO) but it seemed like I needed him, that I was drawn to him. That led a couple of girls to hate me with every bone in their body, and I definitely got death threats in the middle of the school hallway. 

Fast forward throughout high school to my senior year, graduating, to project graduation. He decided to join the army and would be leaving the morning after. Needless to say, he didn’t spend project graduation with me. I had a boyfriend throughout senior year, but would’ve left him in a heartbeat for this man (doppelgänger curse, I’m telling you!) He knew this, and still refused to spend any sort of time with me that night, which led me to just want to go home and crying to my parents (who were chaperones) the entire night. AKA, not a fun night for me. He left the next morning, we didn’t say goodbye to each other, and he would write me letters. He basically (okay, not basically) he LITERALLY confessed his love for me through those letters. Yet, I chose my ‘boyfriend’ (who was also at basic training) over him, and that was his deciding point. I went to college and he came home (which I’ve established, they’re not far away) to work. We saw each other occasionally, but that year is the year we decided that even though we had the doppelgänger curse, we were going to fight it (YAYUS DAMON AND ELENA STYLE. YAYUS) but no, we never slept together, and we never had sexual relations. We would talk on-and-off, but he went to college (and this girl that had stalked him throughout high school waited for him to start college and followed him there) and joined a frat, therefore becoming the average fratdouche (that should literally be a word in the dictionary, because it’s a thing.) He’d visit me occasionally, but would never let me visit him because “She wouldn’t like it” “she” was that stalker bitch and he would complain about who she was always in his room (let me tell you it’s an even longer story if I involve her, but she’s an irrelevant pos.) We saw each other quite often that summer, and he even started acting all doppelgänger-y again. I enjoyed it, and then college started again and it all started the cycle over. We spent some of winter break together, but I worked a lot and had a new boyfriend that was one of the most perfect people ever and I know God put him in my life for a reason. He and I (no, not my boyfriend) continued our married-like doppelgänger fights, and the night before my finals (yes! I said the NIGHT BEFORE MY FINALS) he informed me that he and stalker bitch had been on and off seeing each other since September. I vomited for awhile, and then just started crying. He told me that she was a more important part in life than I, and I was basically irrelevant, but “we could still be friends.” WHAT? I felt like I had just gotten broken up with all over again. (Side note: my parents loved this man and he was basically my family. However, my mom knew we were literally toxic for each other, and my parents absolutely love my boyfriend, and did at the time.) Needless to say after that, she thought it was a good idea to follow me on Twitter. (LAWWWWLLL RIGH…) I was pissed, so yeah, I bashed her on Twitter. Publicly.  Because I really didn’t give a damn shit, and I really still don’t. 

OKAY, THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE THING:::

Sam Hunt claims that you have to move to move-on. I moved, and while I sort of moved on, he was the first person that I ever loved, and we all have a special place in our hearts for our first love. My place of employment educated me that his parents got life-flighted to the University Hospital. (I attend said University, and have classes next to the hospital.) I was anxious, very anxious, that I was going to end up seeing him since obviously he’d come to see his parents. Needless to say, I didn’t. I still care about this man, but he wanted to pick someone who was a stalker and literally all she wanted was him. (She is the girl who threatened to slit my throat in high school. In front of his face.) So let bygones be bygones and let two pos’s be together, but that doesn’t stop you from not caring, and that doesn’t fit Sam Hunt’s morals because I moved. While I’ve moved on in some senses, I haven’t moved past the fact that even though the doppelgänger curse brought us together, it was the same thing that tore our friendship apart. Had we not been cursed with that, we wouldn’t have been cursed with the toxic relationship we experienced. Instead, he may have very-well been my best friend, and he might still be in my life. But everything happens for a reason. and if you break up in a small town, move. It may not immediately help you move on, but it’ll definitely help you move on from your toxic relationships, and help you become a better person because of this experiences.

(DEUCES TO THOSE POS’S BECAUSE….LYF) 

I am literally at the point in my life where I’m between a shit hole and a shit hole, and let me tell you, it really fucking sucks. BEWARE: THIS IS A HUGE FUCKING RANT.

People don’t seem to understand that having a job in college is one of the most difficult things that a person does, unless it’s a part-time restaurant job or whatever because I did that and I enjoyed it. However, I currently work for a job that requires me to work a certain number of hours per week. My job is 45 minutes away from where I live at school, so I have to drive 45 minutes to get there. I can only get there at a certain time, and I can’t stay after a certain period either. I do general work, but it’s the same thing over and over again. Since their requirements are ABSOLUTE even though I’m in school and CLEARLY struggling to get various doctors appointments in as well as the time I’m “required” to do (it’s not required, it’s a suggestion. I also am the top producer at work, but it doesn’t seem to matter.) So basically, I feel worthless at work. My supervisor informed me that my boss wasn’t happy about it, and I soon after found out i had pneumonia. She then told him he needs to pull his head out of his ass because I’m not taking off for shits and giggles (I also have a failed root canal that I’ve taken off for, whoooo.)

Yes, I’ve looked for another job. I’ve even had interviews, but I don’t want to work retail because I love Black Friday too much.

After that, my family is a complete hot mess. I don’t go to school that far from home, so I’ll go home occasionally because I have 6 nieces and nephews, and some of them are babies and when i was a freshman I didn’t come home for awhile and my baby nephew didn’t know who I was; and I was devastated. My family, however, is one of the biggest shitshows. My sisters have had their fair share of shitty experiences, but they also but themselves in it, too. One of my sisters finds it unnecessary to take responsibility of half of her children (2/4), so my parents accept them since one of them goes to their dad’s on the weekend and the other one’s dad isn’t in his life (so “he doesn’t have anyone but them”, according to my mother. Note: his father is a convict and currently in prison. He’s been in and out the last 10 years. His family are similar.) 

Sister #1, that’s working on baby daddy #3, refuses to leave baby daddy #3 even though he’s kind of a piece of shit. He’s an alcoholic, which seems to be popular amongst people in my life, and will drive with the other half of children that’re his if he and my sister get in a fight. he Literally calls nephew #2 a piece of shit and that he “hates” them, and my sister still doesn’t see the problem. Therefore, my eldest nephews seem to always come to my parents house and my sister will leave them here because that is “what needs to happen” so that “they can spend time with their kids alone”. He sounds like a fucking winner right?!?!?!

On top of that: my mother feels sorry for my nephew because “every other kid has other grandparents and people for them in their life!” (My family is very supportive, and my grandparents (which would be their greats) often watch them as well). I often point out that there’re SEVERAL kids who don’t even have grandparents out there, but “oh” it’s the “same” as my nephew having a personality disorder because his dad is a fuckup (he introduces different ladies into his life every couple of months that he drops everything— even his only son— for)

My living situation is also another story. My roommates are pretty average. They’re not shitty, but at the same time they’re not the most fantastic human beings ever, and I really don’t want to mention anything they do that bothers me because my last roommates were complete cunts and would degrade me at any chance they got (there’re several witnesses, I’m not just being dramatic.) One of my roommates claims herself as a “clean freak” but only seems to clean up my stuff. (EX: I had food on top of a cabinet that we keep our extras that won’t fit in the pantry in, because they didn’t fit in the pantry. She shoves them in the pantry. But people can keep their dishes in the sink for 5 days. Yeah! Also, one of them finds it necessary to leave food that the gnats start to get in our fridge and eat off of. Oh, one also puts everything in the dishwasher, and when i mean everything, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. From wooden spoons (which soak up a lot of bacteria when put in the dishwasher and AREN’T supposed to go in there) to pots and pizza pants that belong to someone else. They also don’t understand the concept of DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT; So our utility bill is $90 a person. Casual.

With all this being lightly stated (yeah, it gets so much more into bullshit detail), I’m completely stressed out at everything that’s happening with my life. I get really depressed and it drives me to just complete and utter sadness. Complete. I’ve never felt this low and depressed in my life that all I want to do is go home and sleep (granted, I have pneumonia, and it’s required to get a lot of sleep) I feel that I physically can’t do what I”m supposed to do, and anything that I do, it’s never good enough.

SO IF SOMEONE HAS ANY DAMN SUGGESTIONS…. I’D BE GREATLY OPEN TO THEM, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO DRIVE MYSELF TO THE POINT WHERE I’M THE NEXT 1,000 POUND WOMAN FROM STRESS FAT.

Thought Ponderings.

"Everything happens for a reason..."

Or does it? I've been contemplating this statement the past couple of days. Why? I thought I was a firm believer in this statement, however I've realized there're some flaws to the statement, the biggest one being death.

On Saturday I was informed of one of my relatives deaths via voicemail. I immediately started bawling because even though I wasn't necessarily on an extreme personal level with this person, we had attended the same grade school together, were around the same age, and obviously grew up around each other since we were related as well. This death nearly immediately sparked to my emotions because (guiltily every death that happens to someone my age affects me emotionally) but because this has seemed to happen to my family for awhile, and I just don't see why God would have this plan for people.

I understand that it is His choice of when the right time is to call someone back to Him, but at the same time I wonder if sometimes He doesn't want the person to be called back, but then gets upset by this (ie: suicide, accidents) and with a strong regard to accidents, I want to believe this badly. This is the third death for just that side of my family (my family tree is weird, I don't even understand it), and last year a different family, but one we were still related to, lost someone via the same thing: car accidents.

While I can sit here and say "don't drink and drive", "always buckle up" I'll tell you I'm not the first one to be an extreme advocate for those things, and I don't think anyone is, but everyone grows up and everyone goes through things that change them as a person. For this accident, however, it was different. Nobody is going to know how it happened (with the exception of bystanders, witnesses, of course) but the fact of the matter should be that people died. It shouldn't be "well, it's this persons fault, so it's not sad anymore, it's just sad they murdered those people," because if you think of it, it couldn't happen to anyone. The safest of people? Yeah, it could happen to you too. It could happen to any single person and until the day people realize that, just pray that nothing happens and the public decides to shame your family member for something that nobody is going to know what exactly happened or how traffic was to that person.

The fact of the matter is, is that God seems to call people back, if it is His calling via car accidents, at all the wrong times and typically to those who are the weakest. I've always accepted that death is inevitable, but it still phases (and I don't see how it doesn't phase everyone) when someone around my age, anyone for that matter, dies. I just want to know how many people believe that everything happens for a reason has exceptions, those being accidents? Or if it's something that the Good Lord does? And if it is, I can't wait until the day that I can ask why, because I don't understand why it would ever happen to a family, to young children losing their parents, to ANYONE losing ANY PERSON in their family. I just want to know why.

So I know this was basically just ranting of my choice to believe in a higher power, but honestly in a time of tragedy, it is something that people tend to lean toward regardless of their feelings prior. (Side note: I've always believed in a higher power. I respect you if you do not, but it is my own personal belief to believe in a higher power. I may not be strong towards the feeling of my certain religion, but I will always believe in a higher power.) Basically the moral of this is to question why this higher power would call back those people, or if there are exceptions to the rule. Also to advocate not only for safe drivers (I'm definitely not saying my relative was a terrible driver, because I know the story and they did nothing wrong) but just in general, and also that while others are in a time of tragedy, regardless of what/how it happened, just keep in mind that there's more than one person that lost someone in your life.

Be a courteous person. Especially to those who need it most.