I am super fucking awkward.
Now, when I say I’m awkward, I’m not meaning the “hehe I’m awkward bc guys think it’s cute and I want everyone to love me,” awkward. I’m saying this because I really am awkward.
I used to be a super people-person. Then it magically came to me one day that why the fuck am I people person when I don’t like a lot of people? I started speaking my mind to people instead of telling them what they wanted to hear, I started being the biggest bitch because that’s apparently what my opinion gave off to people. This turned people a really wrong way and the opposite way away from me. Needless to say, I don’t have very many friends because of this, but I’m trying to work on being the person that I was before (for some unknown reason.)
Let’s start off my awkward situation with the fact that I was a bitch in high school and I was kind of a slut. I say this with not the utmost being proud of myself, but with honesty. I believe I’ve explained what I think is my “explanation” before, even if this isn’t necessarily something people should do, and I ultimately feel that way. What being a slut in high school also meant, was being hated by a ton of people for no reason (well, maybe some of them had reasons as well.)
I’ll give you just a few examples of why people disliked me:
- I stole their boyfriend / significant other because I felt that they needed to be “mine” and not theirs.
- I called people out for the things they REALLY did. A girl in my high school sent nudes to everyone and denied it when I called her out for it. It was a shitshow.
- I coerced people into thinking certain people were terrible and that they shouldn’t be involved in their life
- I slept with people and then would trash talk them
AND FINALLY…
- I called every hoe out for being a hoe. Regardless of if I had facts.
That last one was the one that really took the cake in high school. As a matter of fact, I could probably recall to you every time it happened. I can tell you now that I ended up being right in the end. Maybe not at the time, but in the end I AM FUCKING RIGHT!
I dated (really, just had sex with) a man I had gone to elementary school with. We weren’t close when we were young, but we were starting to get close. We hung out, kind of dated (without the penetration) and then things ended. Whoop de doo, right? Well, I really wish I could’ve stopped at that point, but in high school, I just did not know when to quit. (Bc I really just wanted someone to love me the way that I loved one person—but that’s a different story)
I had gone about my merry way with our “relationship” ending until three or four months later when he decided our “relationship” was worth a somewhat rekindling, and I stupidly accepted. Basically, that night, all he wanted from me was to get what he wanted. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a traumatic experience, because I still remember every little piece of what happened, but I’m saying that I put myself in that situation. Whether what he did was right or wrong, I had let it seemingly happen, and that’s the thing I decided to put myself through because I thought I could handle it.
I was wrong. I couldn’t handle it. We (more so HE) had sex, and then just got up and was like “ha I’m done and now you need to leave.” He had picked me up from where I was (which wasn’t MY house) and he was my ride back to that location so I could get home. He basically told me at the time AND I QUOTE, his “ex-girlfriend was coming over and would kill you if you’re here since her and I had just had sex last night.” Ba dum tssss…. that’s the part I couldn’t handle. I couldn’t handle knowing that there was someone else for this man out there and that I was just his piece of ass. Basically, I threw a fit. I got in the car and just completely shut down. He knew that I wasn’t this kind of person, so being the douche bag he was, he tried to talk to me about it. I cried and screamed and kicked my feet around like a two year old, because what he did was fucked up. I understand that I put myself in that situation, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t fucked up.
He returned me to my location, and that was it.
WAIT. No IT WASN’T. My life is way too un-perfect for that kind of ending. HE started dating one of my best friends in high school. Maybe this was karma for me doing the same thing to my then ex-best friend, but it still hurt. She knew that he and I were a thing, so when I found out that they were in a relationship one week after this had all happened, I threw a fit to him because first: i didn’t want him to treat her like he did me, but then second: I realized he wasn't treating her like shit, and I wanted to know why I got treated like shit and she did not (we were VERY alike. Many people thought we were twins and we pretty much had the same personality, so I didn’t understand.) She, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care and our relationship OBVIOUSLY dwindled at this point in life because she was hanging out with him while I was resenting the both of them.
*KEEP IN MIND… this guy wasn’t in high school and we were both sophomores/transitioning into juniors at this time. He was around 20/21 while we were 16/17. So two different mentalities. He had a completely fucked up life at the time, involving drugs & tons of alcohol and wasn’t in a good place*
He, like the so concerned citizen he is, was terrified that I was pissed off at him and worried for my sanity. He was so concerned that he asked her how I felt about it (because he obviously couldn’t talk to me) and wanted to know if I was okay with it, how I was feeling in general, etc.) This pissed me off even more because she didn’t know what happened. She didn’t know that he had made me feel the way that he did and she thought everything was okay that she could just up and ask me that question. Forgetting that she broke the “girl code,” she thought it was okay. I see now why this was a thing, but at the same time it bothered me even more. And it pushed me away from her.
Jumping forward from this point, there was a girl that always disliked me. She claimed she was a Jesus worshipper and Holy Virgin until two months after all of the above happened, my then 16 year old cousin asked a 17 year old me to buy him Plan B. I agreed, but only if I know who it is. When I found out it was her, I laughed hysterically and refused. This was immature at the time, yes, but I was a hateful bitch.
This girl now has a child with the man that was discussed above. I don’t know how it happened, but I have some idea of it. I’m trying so hard to make my life a better place for myself and to ease my mind of everything that has happened, because a person can only suppress things for so long until they drive them mad at wanting that person in their life in a friendly way.
i don’t want enemies anymore. I no longer think it’s cool to make fun of someone for going through something that my siblings have and something I could have very well gone through in high school.
I was in church with my parents about a year ago at our home parish (there’s a lot that’s happened, so we haven’t gone to mass there in a long time.) I really wasn’t feeling being all “yes, peace be with you” that day and decided to only face forward and talk to my extended family that was in front of me, then regretting it because i figured the people behind me thought I was a real bitch. I went to communion on my merry way until the end of mass when my father turned around to talk to the people behind us. I, naturally being the nosey person that I am, turned around to see who he was talking to. It was his mother, and he was sitting right behind me with his father and child. My stomach ultimately just churned with something I’ve never felt in my stomach before, and I sprinted out of the building and just started crying. I literally couldn’t explain it, and I still can’t to this day. It still makes me sad, but something in me makes me want to be friends with him again.
So I added him on Facebook.
Because I’m fucking awkward.
What does he do? He messages me. Demands an explanation as to why I would dare add him.
And I hide behind this blog post because I’m nervous.
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