Tinder & Frat boys & MRS degrees

My first mentality when starting college was one that, probably, everybody has. Frat boys & parties.

I was obsessed with the thought of dating a frat boy. Even though I’d known them for their reputation of being assholes, I thought I was going to find that super sweet one that would love me, or that I could change one from asshole to Prince Charming. 

I never stayed around for parties because I hated being alone and my roommate wasn’t really into being friends. I had made some friends, but I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to bother those type of people in hopes that we’ll become friends (in what way, I don’t know.) This probably butthurt my chances of finding a frat boy love, but the HOLY GRAIL invention of Tinder was invented (this is one of the good things my roommate taught me.)

I tindered my little heart out because I was going to get my MRS degree. I was going to get it by the end of my college years, and I was going to be DAMN proud of this. I had potential matches, but had no idea what I was doing at first. I tried and tried my little heart out until someone finally agreed to meet me. I was terrified of this, especially since I had just ended things with my boyfriend (but he has a piece of shit, don’t feel sorry for me, it was all my fault.)

The first man I met from Tinder WASN’T a frat boy. He was some rando guy that actually lied about who he was. Not in that weird way that he wasn’t who he looked like, but he claimed he was a student and I don’t think he was. He was older and it was a terrible experience because his penis was literally an inch. I laughed and went home to take my nephew home the next day with not-sex hair (because it sucked) and a greasy face. The doctor could totes tell my night was grrrreeeaaattt. 

I was about to give up on my frat boy Tinder game until I got invited to a house party that was at his frat. At this point in time, I wasn’t too educated in frats at my school. I knew the ~popular ones, but I didn’t really know all of them. It was at a frat that I hadn’t recognized, but I definitely didn’t want to go alone so I consulted my friend on this one. She laughed and called it the “rape frat” but said she might go. Needless to say: I didn’t go to the party, but i did make plans to meet with the man that invited me to this party!

The day we met was an lol-fest that I can barely remember. He tried to teach me how to drive stick shift and was a gentleman. He was shorter than me, however,and i thought this was weird as fuck. I declined to learn how to drive stick completely, so he guided me along. We eventually ended up on our university’s soccer field at midnight, talking. We talked about various things, and how i’d *sworn* that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone on the first date. 

Needless to say: we ended up having sex. It was an all-around terrible time, but he seemed to really enjoy it. I mean, of course he did, what guy doesn’t like sex?! We talked after this a lot, but we weren’t exclusive—at least to me we weren’t necessarily exclusive (every time I’d argue with him, I’d go off and stay at my friends house—one night shit went down,basically.)

Our “relationship” continued for awhile until he got tired of my bitchy attitude. He would often tell me that he didn’t care about me and cared more about this other girl. He even took this other girl to his fraternity’s semi-formal because “they had already made plans with his friend.” 

Over the summer everything dwindled because he lives in a major city that’s 3 hours away from where my parents live. We didn’t see each other until June when one of my cousins who lives where he does got married. We had sex in my hotel room because that was my life. A month after that he took me to his lake house and we spent the weekend there. He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t care about me, I was just there, etc. He came to my house when I moved in in August, and that was the consummation of the end of our relationship. He now dates my neighbor and often parks in my driveway just to shove it in my face. It’s comical. Really. 

The last frat man ironically had the same as the first, however, I don’t remember how I met the last man, but I can tell it wasn’t Tinder. They were in different fraternities because I don’t fuck brothers (ha) and he was nice. He wasn’t my type, though. With the first frat man, I was absolutely consumed with him thinking that he cared, so with this man I backed off and tried to let myself not care. I wouldn’t text or call this man at any time, he would be the first to start our conversations and meetings.

I thought this was the best way to start a relationship that I didn’t intend to necessarily be a relationship. It was a friendship until one fun night at 3 AM on the roof we decided to get into each others pants because “it seemed right.” Even though it probably wasn’t right and neither of us were probably in our right state of minds, we continued our interactions in this way. We also hang out with each other in platonic ways, too, which is what confused me. Near the end (that nobody really knew was the end) I started getting a little bit attached to him and him in general. I met my, now-boyfriend, shortly after and knew it’d be a better decision.

He was really upset when I told him I had decided to get into a relationship because we never talked about that and I had never brought it up. I understand that it was shitty now, but it was definitely for the better rather than the worse. I’m much better off. Of course, my work with the fates has me now seeing him on campus pretty often. We acknowledge each other, but it’s not like we have an “I-got-in-your-pants” reunion every time we see each other. Correction: I don’t.I

I met several other frat boys from Tinder or just in general along the way that were my good friends. I did a favor for someone two weeks after initiation week where a pledge was getting kicked out, but they didn’t want to break it to him. What I thought was a favor turned into some freshman telling me that I need to suck his dick bc that’s what this was all about. lol right? They broke the news to him after he jacked off in front of me and decided it was a good idea for him to cum in my hair. He cried, and I threatened to kill him with a pen, it all ended okay because I got ice cream out of it. 

I’ve also met some gentlemen that were frat boys. They were nice, but ended up generally being people that I didn’t have much in common, so it naturally went downhill. I’m not currently (good) friends or acquaintances with any of these men, but I guess it’s all about good memories. The point of all this was to prove that Tinder isn’t where you get your MRS degree. Neither are frat parties. 

My roommates are cunts

If you had told me this time last year that my roommates would end up the same as the ones that I had at that current time, I’d probably believe you. I say this because I fully believe that some people are just terrible people and like to belittle everyone. I would like to think that this isn’t everyone, but nothing so far gives me hope.

My roommates last year seemed pretty cool in the beginning. One seemed like she could beat my ass at any second and one you could tell was on the bitchier side, but she liked to talk a lot.  I thought this was good as we did things with each other, etc. I didn’t particularly know them when I moved in, but one was from the town I was from, so I thought no big deal. Her boyfriend, ended up being fiance, was my uncle and sister fiance’s co-worker. My uncle is actually their boss. I thought oh cool, there’s more of a connection.

But I was dead wrong, apparently! (I seem to be good at this!)

I got my boyfriend literally the same day that I got a new job. I had been (sort of) jobless for a couple of months and was excited to finally have a job again. I hung out with my boyfriend a lot and thought it was no big deal that he stayed at my house as the fiance stayed at our house frequently and the girl that I shared a bathroom with was rarely there. Apparently, since I was younger, this wasn’t okay. (I’ve mentioned my boyfriend is my neighbor. Literal two doors down neighbor.) The girl I ‘shared’ a bathroom with would come back and complain about everything. Her car had broken down (she rarely lived at our house bc she would drive 5 hours round trip to school/her boyfriends) and she was complaining about this and how she needed a new car to her mother while I was sick with the stomach flu in the bathroom. She didn’t care; but when it came time to her being sick and I almost fell out of the shower so (of course) I screamed, IT FUCKING MATTERED LIKE IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD. Since I had just gotten a new job, I also was not home very often. I typically worked until 10 or 11 after going to school all day, so if there were dishes in the sink for a day, I thought it was no big deal. It was a big deal to them and it started controversy. They basically complained about everything, even how I walked up the stairs (lol right?!) and I went home crying that night to my mother.

While I didn’t act like it was a big deal to me, it was. I started staying at my boyfriends and rarely coming to my own house that I paid rent for. I paid everything through the mail so I would have little to no contact with them. My boyfriend’s roommates seemed more accepting since his roommates fiance had just gone through the same thing and stayed there, too, but one of his roommates was very discomforting and would make us feel unwelcome. This led us to discomfort anywhere we tried to go. We ate out a lot and spent a lot of time at movies/shopping. I gained a max of 30 pounds from this, and I was ultimately upset. I didn’t stay up here for the summer, and my boyfriend stayed at his house.

Disclaimer: The one problem I had with my roommates before the “conflict” was the fact that the one girl wouldn’t let anyone use her bathroom, but mostly that nobody could have keys. I really didn’t care if my boyfriend had a key or not, but since her fiance was there a lot and he didn’t have a key, they would leave doors unlocked all the time if he were there and she weren’t and “he needed to go somewhere.” It was terrifying waking up to all the doors in my house unlocked and a man pissed at me when I locked the door. I also didn’t like how they made breakfast very loudly at 5 AM every morning bc my bedroom was above the kitchen. 

Moving forward to the present. I moved in with people that I didn’t really know. Mostly because one girl subleased out to someone else since “she got a puppy and an engagement ring” and it was a shitshow. I moved in just having learned that I had to work 20 hours a week at my job an hour away, and I only had 2 free days to do this since I had a night class and had to volunteer for at least 30 hours during the semester. I didn’t get to talk to my roommates about how we all expected things to go because I didn’t have time. Who wants to spend all of their free time (which I mostly slept during) hearing people complain? Not I, so I moved on with life passing it off like it was no big deal. 

Yesterday, I came home around 5:45 and nobody was here. It was odd because there’s usually at least 1 person here by that time, but I sat in my room angrily over something unrelated. I sat in my room until 8 until I decided I was going to go do something. This is when my boyfriend decided to come back from “hanging out with his friends” and my roommates decided to come home together. (What fucked me over with my last roommates was they would meet with each other to talk shit on me and then target me for it—which i think is a fucked up and bitchy thing to do.) They were all laughing—unusably loudly—putting away what sounded like groceries, throwing around everything etc. I then get a text message  (yes. not a verbal message) that “we should have a roommate meeting.” I wasn’t in the best of moods and was cleaning my closet so I ignored it. My door wasn’t shut, so they texted me again and then proceeded to talk “unusably loudly” about how I should be down there. (Lol. Immaturity already started, right?) 

I walk down the stairs and get water as they start this “meeting.” It’s started by laughing about how one of my roommates needs to be reminded to wash her dishes because she “forgets about them” and we need to remind her. (side note: this girl has left dishes in the sink for a month—no exaggeration—and found no big deal about it.) They giggled and laughed about it so i obviously knew what this meeting was about: Me. 

After this, it started with “guests can’t stay at our house by themselves” (with the exception of one of the girls’ boyfriends…who owns his own house and shit ya know) and that “nobody can stay more than 3 nights a week because that’s illegal.” Now I’m not saying that we should learn by example, but we do. The leasing agency we lease from isn’t big on rules, so typically nobody follows them. 3 nights a week is a dorm standard; which I think is HILARIOUS because the person who said this never lived in a dorm. (NOTE: Two of my roommates’ significant others live with their parents in their hometowns. One is in high school and doesn’t come to stay here—the other has been here once.) It kept going and going with stupid things of how my boyfriend should do laundry at his house and I shouldn't do his laundry in our washer/dryer. (I’m not going to not do laundry if it fits with mine. It’s not like I wash his laundry constantly because he does do laundry at his own house, but he would do laundry ESPECIALLY when I didn’t have any time of my own to do laundry.) They used this as “I’ve seen guys underwear in there before.” Okay, and? So have I, that wasn’t my boyfriend’s. 

It continued and I couldn’t stop thinking about how this was literally a repeat of last year. I just wanted to get up and walk out because they were contradicting themselves being they do the same things. The stupidest parts?! 

1. “I’m upset you disrespected my hobby by walking through the kitchen when I said it was wet. That was rude.” APPARENTLY her “hobby” is cleaning. She was doing this “hobby” from 6-8, so I could not make dinner, and when I had the opportunity—I took it. I was starving and didn’t give TWO SHITS because it’s disrespectful to spend that much time “hobbying” and then complain that you’re the only one that cleans the house. I’m a firm believer in everyone needs to clean up after themselves, she’s not. So be it. 

2. “I think everyone needs to share 1/4 of everything. All the cleaning supplies, kitchen supplies, and the cleaning. Her and I just bought paper towels.” Let it be known that the girl who said this had not bought a thing that everyone uses. Ever. She also took dishwasher pods (which aren’t cheap, my friends) to her boyfriends house because “he didn’t have any.” They were my dishwasher pods. Yas. They also use all of a substance (which I know it was her because she makes things that use these substances often) that was mine and never replaced it. They had never invited me to go shopping with them that night, but I was expected to “share 1/4 of everything.” LOL ATMYLIFEYOUGUYS.

3. “I’m really uncomfortable with there being a gun here. Unless you have a license for it.” Wait, you have to have a license to have a gun? I’m pretty sure that anyone who is over the age of 21 and isn’t a felon or mentally ill can buy a gun. You don’t have to have a license to have a gun: you have to have a license to carry a gun. This is the same girl as #2, if you couldn’t tell because she’s SO smaht. Her boyfriend goes hunting often and she brags about how she gets deer jerky. But doesn’t like guns. 

Lol.

Lol.

Lol.

PLEASE SOMEONE SUBLEASE FOR ME GODDAMMIT. 

Because the meeting ended with “so you’ve been quiet. Don’t YOU have anything to say?” 

No. Wait. I don’t. Because I didn’t meet with my other roommates to talk shit about myself. Whoops. Sorry I’m considerate and would much rather not attack a person. OOPS.

Why I'm NOT Ready to Be Married or Have Kids

So when I say this, I mean this with the utmost respect. 

I am not ready to have children or be married. 

Before I start explaining myself, let me actually explain myself. My sisters both had children before they were 20, and my mother had both of them before she was 21, so teenage/early pregnancy was a thing in my family. I was the proudest I’ve ever been when I beat teen pregnancy, and I say this with the utmost respect for those who had babies young. Sure, I’ve dissed them every once in awhile, but that’s because some people’s stupidity fathoms me. Some people wanted children when we were in high school, and I thought that they were crazy because who could want a child when you’re in high school and plan to have a child?

I just want to get my shit together. 

My sisters are significantly (6 & 7 years) older than I, so I was influenced young at this. It was etched into my brain in middle and high school that I will not have kids when I’m a teenager and I will go to school, graduate, and become “successful.” My siblings have both tried school, but only my middle sister has succeeded. We’re both on track to graduate at the same exact time, with nearly the same major. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that if our graduations are on the same day, they’d choose hers over mine, but that’s just the way that my parents are.  Since this has been etched in my brain since such a young age, my parents have done all they can to prevent this, and so have I. Not just because it’s what my parents want, but because having a child at a young age is difficult, and I want to be something in my life before I decide to add more people to it in a family sense—legally and out of my vagina-ly. 

The same goes with marriage. My parents were married when my mom was 17. I am way passed that, but I can tell you that when I was 15-18, my parents were terrified of every man that I brought around, because I was going to be just like them. There are two types of parents in this world: those who want their children to follow in their path, and those who want their children to follow the opposite path.  My parents want me to follow the opposite, IF you didn’t catch that drift by now. 

Moving forward to now. 

I had a freak accident the other day with my boyfriend that ended up with me in the emergency room. I won’t go into any sort of detail, except for saying that my life was basically an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER that night. It led to panic attacks, etc, and led to something that had to include conversations with both of our parents. My parents (rather just my mother) for insurance reasons, and his because of money reasons (since I wasn’t aware of my insurances’ policy and how paying went etc.)

His parents were first, since they live where I go to school. They were overjoyed at the thought of we went to emergency room for something involving me. His mother’s thought? I was pregnant. His father had told me a week before that “he wanted to marry me, but was just waiting on me.” This fact terrified me, and I immediately (as soon as we were alone) addressed this with my boyfriend. Because I am not ready to get married, and I sure as hell am not ready to have a child. 

My boyfriend’s parents are the type of people that kind of want him to be like them. Let me tell you, this isn’t necessarily a good thing. His parents met each other in college, they had sort of known each other before, but they were engaged and married after knowing each other for 6 months, basically. All of that, in one, yes. Three months—engaged. Three months later—married. His brother is my example number two. His parents are firm believers in not having babies out of wedlock. While my parents are too, my parents aren’t the type of people to make someone get married just because there’s a baby in the picture. My parents are smarter than that  ( I am not saying that his parents aren’t smart, but I’m definitely saying that they shouldn’t expect people to get married just because they’re having a child together. )

His brother knew the mother of his children for three months after they knew each other and were married within a month or two of that. They then separated a year and a half later after having one child, got back together, had another, and are now divorced. This is the perfect explanation of why people should not get married just because they’re having a baby. His baby momma is now suing him for child support and all that fun stuff. 

The point of this blog is just to seriously say that I’m not ready for a kid. His mother seemed to get all defensive when I used the excuse that “I can’t even take care of myself.” The truth is? I can’t take care of myself. I can’t take care of myself, go to school, have a husband, and a CHILD at the same time. When I have children, I want to give them the best life that they can have. I share moments of passion with my boyfriend, yes, and if God wants me to have a child, I’ll have a child. i graduate in a year, and I can only hope that God has my best interests in mind as well.  So far, God has kept every best interest in mind for me and has honestly led me to the place that I am today. i truly believe this, and believe that while some decisions I’ve made on my own, I know that there was someone watching over me helping me make these decisions. 

Just because you have a child does not mean that you have to marry the man that is the father of your child. You could have made a giant mistake with the man, but God gave you a beautiful blessing out of it. Take it as a blessing, not as a prison notice. If in your gut you feel that this man is a terrible man, leave. You should not spend your life worrying over someone whenever God has someone for you to be with. He has the perfect person for you, you just have to find them. However, you shouldn’t worry about this, because he will lead them to you. Don’t try to lead yourself to them. Don’t make stupid decisions. Do what your heart tells you to, because God knows what your heart needs. 

Hi, I'm Awkward, and not to be cool.

I am super fucking awkward.

Now, when I say I’m awkward, I’m not meaning the “hehe I’m awkward bc guys think it’s cute and I want everyone to love me,” awkward. I’m saying this because I really am awkward.

I used to be a super people-person. Then it magically came to me one day that why the fuck am I people person when I don’t like a lot of people? I started speaking my mind to people instead of telling them what they wanted to hear, I started being the biggest bitch because that’s apparently what my opinion gave off to people. This turned people a really wrong way and the opposite way away from me. Needless to say, I don’t have very many friends because of this, but I’m trying to work on being the person that I was before (for some unknown reason.)

Let’s start off my awkward situation with the fact that I was a bitch in high school and I was kind of a slut. I say this with not the utmost being proud of myself, but with honesty. I believe I’ve explained what I think is my “explanation” before, even if this isn’t necessarily something people should do, and I ultimately feel that way. What being a slut in high school also meant, was being hated by a ton of people for no reason (well, maybe some of them had reasons as well.) 

I’ll give you just a few examples of why people disliked me:

- I stole their boyfriend / significant other because I felt that they needed to be “mine” and not theirs. 

- I called people out for the things they REALLY did. A girl in my high school sent nudes to everyone and denied it when I called her out for it. It was a shitshow. 

- I coerced people into thinking certain people were terrible and that they shouldn’t be involved in their life

- I slept with people and then would trash talk them

AND FINALLY…

- I called every hoe out for being a hoe. Regardless of if I had facts.

That last one was the one that really took the cake in high school. As a matter of fact, I could probably recall to you every time it happened. I can tell you now that I ended up being right in the end. Maybe not at the time, but in the end I AM FUCKING RIGHT! 

I dated (really, just had sex with) a man I had gone to elementary school with. We weren’t close when we were young, but we were starting to get close. We hung out, kind of dated (without the penetration) and then things ended. Whoop de doo, right? Well, I really wish I could’ve stopped at that point, but in high school, I just did not know when to quit. (Bc I really just wanted someone to love me the way that I loved one person—but that’s a different story)

I had gone about my merry way with our “relationship” ending until three or four months later when he decided our “relationship” was worth a somewhat rekindling, and I stupidly accepted. Basically, that night, all he wanted from me was to get what he wanted. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a traumatic experience, because I still remember every little piece of what happened, but I’m saying that I put myself in that situation. Whether what he did was right or wrong, I had let it seemingly happen, and that’s the thing I decided to put myself through because I thought I could handle it. 

I was wrong. I couldn’t handle it. We (more so HE) had sex, and then just got up and was like “ha I’m done and now you need to leave.” He had picked me up from where I was (which wasn’t MY house) and he was my ride back to that location so I could get home. He basically told me at the time AND I QUOTE, his “ex-girlfriend was coming over and would kill you if you’re here since her and I had just had sex last night.” Ba dum tssss…. that’s the part I couldn’t handle. I couldn’t handle knowing that there was someone else for this man out there and that I was just his piece of ass. Basically, I threw a fit. I got in the car and just completely shut down. He knew that I wasn’t this kind of person, so being the douche bag he was, he tried to talk to me about it. I cried and screamed and kicked my feet around like a two year old, because what he did was fucked up. I understand that I put myself in that situation, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t fucked up. 

He returned me to my location, and that was it. 

WAIT. No IT WASN’T. My life is way too un-perfect for that kind of ending. HE started dating one of my best friends in high school. Maybe this was karma for me doing the same thing to my then ex-best friend, but it still hurt. She knew that he and I were a thing, so when I found out that they were in a relationship one week after this had all happened, I threw a fit to him because first: i didn’t want him to treat her like he did me, but then second: I realized he wasn't treating her like shit, and I wanted to know why I got treated like shit and she did not (we were VERY alike. Many people thought we were twins and we pretty much had the same personality, so I didn’t understand.) She, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care and our relationship OBVIOUSLY dwindled at this point in life because she was hanging out with him while I was resenting the both of them. 

*KEEP IN MIND… this guy wasn’t in high school and we were both sophomores/transitioning into juniors at this time. He was around 20/21 while we were 16/17. So two different mentalities. He had a completely fucked up life at the time, involving drugs & tons of alcohol and wasn’t in a good place*

He, like the so concerned citizen he is, was terrified that I was pissed off at him and worried for my sanity. He was so concerned that he asked her how I felt about it (because he obviously couldn’t talk to me) and wanted to know if I was okay with it, how I was feeling in general, etc.) This pissed me off even more because she didn’t know what happened. She didn’t know that he had made me feel the way that he did and she thought everything was okay that she could just up and ask me that question. Forgetting that she broke the “girl code,” she thought it was okay. I see now why this was a thing, but at the same time it bothered me even more. And it pushed me away from her. 

Jumping forward from this point, there was a girl that always disliked me. She claimed she was a Jesus worshipper and Holy Virgin until two months after all of the above happened, my then 16 year old cousin asked a 17 year old me to buy him Plan B. I agreed, but only if I know who it is. When I found out it was her, I laughed hysterically and refused. This was immature at the time, yes, but I was a hateful bitch. 

This girl now has a child with the man that was discussed above. I don’t know how it happened, but I have some idea of it. I’m trying so hard to make my life a better place for myself and to ease my mind of everything that has happened, because a person can only suppress things for so long until they drive them mad at wanting that person in their life in a friendly way. 

i don’t want enemies anymore. I no longer think it’s cool to make fun of someone for going through something that my siblings have and something I could have very well gone through in high school. 

I was in church with my parents about a year ago at our home parish (there’s a lot that’s happened, so we haven’t gone to mass there in a long time.) I really wasn’t feeling being all “yes, peace be with you” that day and decided to only face forward and talk to my extended family that was in front of me, then regretting it because i figured the people behind me thought I was a real bitch. I went to communion on my merry way until the end of mass when my father turned around to talk to the people behind us. I, naturally being the nosey person that I am, turned around to see who he was talking to. It was his mother, and he was sitting right behind me with his father and child. My stomach ultimately just churned with something I’ve never felt in my stomach before, and I sprinted out of the building and just started crying. I literally couldn’t explain it, and I still can’t to this day. It still makes me sad, but something in me makes me want to be friends with him again. 

So I added him on Facebook.

Because I’m fucking awkward. 

What does he do? He messages me. Demands an explanation as to why I would dare add him.

And I hide behind this blog post because I’m nervous.