Struggle bus. Passenger: Me

At this very moment, I am contemplating my relationship. I feel so terrible about it, but what else do I do other than ask the Erodr world about it. Yes, it took me almost 2 minutes to get my computer to stop auto-correcting Erodr. Before I go further into detail, let me somewhat explain my love life situation. I have been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now, and there are times where he annoys me, but there are other times where he’s the greatest individual in the world, too. 

When I met him, he was not going to school. He was pursuing something that his brother had fell into luck in, and he thought he could get in the same situation. —His brother works for a prestigious bank with an associate’s degree. It’s not common and something that just happened by chance to his brother.— He was working at the university that I attend(ed) and it all seemed hunky-dory. He then decided that he wanted to go to school to pursue something that he rather enjoyed, or seemed to enjoy when he talked about it, and things were looking up. Things were looking up until the other day when he took his calculus test and came out all sad saying that he was pretty sure he failed it. I thought there was some hope for the situation, until I saw his GPA today and the list of grades from his classes. He got a D- in the calculus class, and his GPA accumulated to roughly (one grade wasn’t in yet) a 1.3. This obviously terrified me, and I thought it would him as well, but he seemed to have absolutely no problem with it. 

The past couple of days he has been discussing law school. I know any major can go to law school, but he seems to focus on those majors that are “by-chance” majors, as I like to call them. The major he was going in to seemed good, and he seemed pumped about it, but the discussion of law school seemed completely out of hand. Tonight, as he was revealing his GPA to me, he did not seem worried at all. He just blew it off like it was no big deal. He then says he “can still get into law school with a GPA like that.” When asking him what he would want to do with that degree, he stated he did not know, and basically that he just didn’t know about school in general anymore. Which is terrifying. 

I am literally at a complete loss for words. I don’t know what to say to him, and I’m pretty sure he knows it and can sense it as well. He began crying and walked outside and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I say this, because I thought everything was all mapped out. My plan for life, his plan for life, and what we were going to do together—when our lives were going to mesh, how everything was going to pan out;etc. I am going into a major that is known as not paying so well. This aggravates my parents greatly, but I am not sure if there is much of anything that I can do about it, it is something that I have thought about since high school but have been terrified to tell my parents anything about it. 

People of Erodr obviously did not help me much at all. They told me to basically just end it, because if anything were to happen like that, they’d be terrified enough to do the same thing. Some people even put their two cents in it and discussed that they’ve been in similar situations. One girl told me that I’d be a bitch if I did, and maybe he deserved a better girl anyway if I were to be like this. None of this helped my state of mind recently-with not thinking that I’m good enough for him- and didn’t help my state of mind now. 

The struggle of relationships is hard, guys 

But that's none of my business...

Today, I made a playlist on Spotify titled “himom” while blasting Christmas songs to annoy the living shit out of my roommate. That’s where i’m at in life. 

I know I’ve complained about my roommates before, but let’s just say it hasn’t gotten one bit better. My boyfriend is my neighbor, as we have established, and he’s a wonderful person. One of my roommates, however, does not like that. She does not like him one bit and I’m not sure if it’s the fact that they’re around the same age and her boyfriend doesn’t come over here all the time or what. (Note: her boyfriend doesn’t come over here because he’s still in high school…) It’s been an ongoing battle to attempt to be civil with this human being, if I can even call her that. 

I feel that as a human being, you have the responsibility to pick up after yourself. We learn this so young that I don’t understand why someone would just magically forget. At the daycare I work at, the little tottlings (they are 2 and 3) sing “clean up, clean up” without any of our starting. My room at my parents house can look absolutely ridiculously messy, but I would never let a common area of my house that I share with other people that are not my family with. This person, however, does not know how to human.

Things that are “acceptable” in my roommate’s book of “life”:

Taking out the trash twice. Ever.

Leaving food in the fridge for months to where it starts growing. 

Using other people’s bathrooms, but never letting anyone use hers. (Her bathroom is what is supposed to, in our house, be a public bathroom. It has a hallway door as well as a bedroom door and is in the common areas of the house. AKA: semi-public bathroom.)

Freeloading off of others’ goods.

Leaving every light on in every room that they have stepped in, regardless if they are in it currently or not.

Texting, calling, pounding on the door at 2:45 AM to let them in the house because they forgot their keys and are (illegally) drunk. Then proceeds to complain and bitch that they’ll “sleep somewhere else” since we didn’t answer her. 

Complaining that there are no goods (such as trash bags, paper towels) but not ever buying a thing that people (publicly) use. 

Complaining that “there isn’t enough room” in the pantry for their stuff, even though they don’t buy things to put in said pantry. 

Complaining about how dirty said room is, but not doing a thing to care about it. 

Turning up the heat or the A/C down without consideration for other roommates. (Heat rises and cold air falls, as we’ve learned from science. Said person is the only one that has a basement bedroom, so it naturally gets colder when the A/C is on and cooler in the winter, too, since the heat is going upstairs. Said person will turn the A/C warmer and the heat warmer as well since they are “cold.” Meanwhile, I’m burning my ass off upstairs with the fan on and window open. In the middle of the winter.)

Putting glass jars of used food (sauces, etc) in the dishwasher without washing paper labels off first. Thus putting paper all over other dishes in dishwasher. Then complains about how no one unloaded the dishwasher. 

Putting plastic forks/spoons/knives in the dishwasher.

If you’re this kind of person, consider changing yourself. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to be this kind of person, maybe if you live with your parents. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, so they probably wouldn’t get as mad at you versus some random person you moved in with. I’m pretty sure they’ll all care about it, but not want to say anything due to fear of what saying something will do to said persons mental health. These things, in my opinion, are common known things that people should figure out in life and then stop doing. Not keep doing it.

*sips tea* but that’s none of my business.

Can I just say that today was a very shitty end to a week that was going fantastic? Because that’s literally the only words that I can use to describe it. 

First, I came to work for the Christmas party.  I work at a daycare and they were having a “school-wide” party that the children had so kindly asked me to come to, and one of my coworkers said to come just to give an extra helping hand. SO I did, even though I was a bit nervous about what other people would say with me being there. I get there and (there are two teachers in my ‘classroom’) teacher A is all excited to see me, as are the children, and is like “I’m so glad you came!” etc. Teacher B comes down the stairs and is like “why are you here? there’s no reason that you need to be here, especially if (our boss) doesn’t know that you’re here” and was straight up rude to me. She acted like I was a nuisance for being there and that I had no right to be there. 

So, we go upstairs. We’re met at the top of the elevator with the rest of the school (probably nearly 30 people) singing Christmas carols and our boss is up there as well. She looked angry at first (but she always seems to look angry) and then saw me and I got all scared and she says “Oh goodness! Thank you for coming!” etc. Because clearly the lady needed help since only one of the teachers was supposed to be going around and doing things with the children. 

Needless to say, the day got even awkwarder after the party ended and it was “nap time.” Normally my shift is 1:30 on Friday’s, and it was around 1:15 as the children were taking a nap. She dismisses me out the door and says “thanks for helping, but you need to leave now.” —feeling so loved at this point in time—so I went to the bathroom and cried. (I’m an easy crier, especially here lately. I don’t know why, it’s just a thing)

Second, I get off of work and am just ready to go home to my ACTUAL home. So I get out of my car and low and behold, I drop my phone. I’ve dropped my phone several times, and my phone is literally factory fucked up, but of course this time it decided to be different than usual. It shattered. The entire upper part of the screen (had it been the lower I probably would not have cared) all of the glass broke, and the LED screen was starting to mess up. My luck, especially since my father had basically told me a month before that I wouldn’t be getting a new phone anytime soon. 

My boyfriend, being the great one he is, said that it was “early Christmas”. I looked confused and he had explained that my Christmas present from him was going to be him paying for my phone monthly so that I could get a new phone, I’d just be getting it early since mine was basically unusable now. TGOD for him. Oh, PS, my dad yelled at me while I was asking him if it was okay (since he pays the bill) and told me I was an ungrateful bitch. 

Thirdly, my family obviously knew I was coming home. I had called them previously and told my mother that when I saw her last weekend and on Wednesday. So they KNEW I was coming home. I get here, and they’re gone. Everyone is. (my sister is a moocher and is here every day so that my parents feed her and her spawns.) When I call, nobody answers, they all forward their calls to voicemails, except for my sister who answers (my dad’s phone that she’s been using the past month to mooch off of the data plan) and says that “oh we just decided to leave since you should’ve been there by now.)

Fourth, it’s been an hour since my family has been gone (over it, for their time, just an hour since I’ve been here) and there not back yet. My mom decides to text me how to get there and tell me they haven’t yet gone through the line to whatever the hell they were going to. 

And to think, I thought today was going to be fabulous. And I thought coming home was going to be even better because I had just saw a deer in the field. 

Oh was I dead wrong. 

Where's My Clarity.

Is there a point in time where it’s too soon to settle down? I don’t mean like high school or anything, either. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for some reason, but I’m ALSO a firm believer in sometimes you choose your own fate. 

(Rant about my life because it wouldn’t be a blog if it wasn’t.) I wasn’t necessarily socially awkward in high school by any means at all, but I feel that the deeper I go into college, and my relationship, I get more and more socially awkward.  I fear so much of others judging me because that’s what we, as humans, do. We judge other people, and it’s usually critically. I’ve been judged for everything under the sun, some things that I would never do in my life. Rumors are the biggest bitch as well, which is somewhat of a harsh judgment in my opinion, and some people just don’t grow up from them. I was one of those people in high school that wouldn’t start a “rumor”, I just told stories that I, and others, knew were true, and some just assumed they were false. (For example—I LOVE EXAMPLES: Freshman year in high school, the time when cell phones magically became a huge thing in the world, I was casually flipping through a girls pictures because, well, that’s just what we did and it was a known thing. I came across a picture of her boobs—it was her and her face in the mirror, mind you, and was like “oh my goodness, look what i just found!” Showed another girl. She told the P.E. teacher and all hell broke loose. Apparently it wasn’t a picture of her but “some random girl” that “couldn’t be her, ever.” Lawl, okay. You get my point, though). 

I was the type of person that fell over any guy who paid me any sort of attention. It only gets worse over time, too, and I only got worse over time as well. I’ve talked about my doppelgänger and how he basically ruined my life, but this isn’t just about him. He was a major part of my life, and I often still feel myself lost without him. In my heart, I know that had he ended up being a different person than who he hung out with in high school and if I had opened my eyes, we probably would have been together at this point in life. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe just out of one, but I firmly believe that. I also firmly believe, however, that I can get insane sometimes. I had a boyfriend in high school that I should’ve ended it with day 3, but I was stupid and all I really wanted was a relationship (or so I thought.) It was abusive, not necessarily physically all the time, but it definitely took a toll on who I was as a person, especially him demanding sex daily, and sometimes even more than that. I was unhappy with myself freshman year of college and thought I had found someone who was going to like me for, ya know, me. I was wrong, and he ended up making me feel worse about myself. I was thoroughly not interested in a relationship at that point, but just the feeling of being loved. I went back to people I had been with in the past (lol.) and it was making me worse and worse. On top of all that, I had the roommates from fucking hell and I just hated my life ultimately. I met a man while I was still a freshman, talking to the other man, and we instantaneously became friends—nothing sexual. 

Somewhere along the lines (which are very blurred because I have a very bad memory here lately) we got into a sexual relationship. I was terrified it would end up like my last “friendship” and fail miserably with me feeling like asshole, so I just didn’t talk to him. Great solution, right? BUT, IT WAS. I never texted him first, he only texted me first. It only made him want me more, of course, and there was a point in time where I was actually happy. We wouldn’t have sex every time we hung out, and I loved it. I thought he’d feel the same way, and was planning on going to a party at his frat to actually see if he was any sort of serious about the situation. Well, that fell through. OF course it fell through, right? I didn’t end up going to said party—we didn’t end up talking. 

I got really depressed with my life, and was going insane over everything that was happening in my life due to my shitty ass year, so I started talking to someone who I felt I could relate to more than the man i was penetrating with, and befriended him. Said man had a girlfriend, and chose her ultimately over me, and I got really sad because it seemed like my life was going to be that cycle. I was to the point of ending my life one Friday in the beginning of November because I didn’t want the cycle to start over. I literally could not handle it. That night, my current boyfriend came into my life, and i took that as a sign. I ended things with everyone else sexually and started platonic relationships with the man I had been in a “frelationship” with. He was angry, but ultimately agreed that we would both be shitty people to start a relationship since we were different. 

That being set out and said, I love my boyfriend. I really do have love for him and he makes me genuinely happy. Here lately he makes me very mad and upset, though. The beginning of our relationship was automatically sex (which is terrible, I know) and it seemed to continue. Now, however, we rarely ever have sex and he always tries. I know Cosmo says healthy couples are ones who have sex often, but I just don’t feel it a lot. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, because I really am. He’s an attractive man, and our personalities mesh well. I just don’t know if there’s something else I should be doing with my life. I’m currently sitting at home on a Friday night at 10 PM waiting for him to come home so that we can go to my parents house. In the back of my mind, though, I think I should be going out with my friends (even though I don’t have many at all), going to a club, celebrating my school’s championship game, etc. 

And I don’t know how to not feel that I shouldn’t be in my relationship. It’s a terrible feeling, and I need clarity.