YEAH YOU, I'M JEALOUS OF YOU.

Saying I was a creep in middle school/freshman year of high school is an incredible understatement. I was a TOTAL creep and weirdo and I really wish I could go back and slap the shit out of young-me because….well, it was terrible.

ANYWAY.

I couldn’t help but feel a little tinge of pain in my heart hearing my middle school/freshman year crush got engaged, and it’s totally not for creepy reasons. (AND NO. I wasn’t creeping—my mom works with his mom and his sister—and she told me, so IT’S FAIR.)

I couldn’t help but feel a little tinge of pain because, well, they’ve been together since high school. He’s my age and she’s younger, and while I just recently graduated high school, I have SOME innate want/need to have a dazzling ring on my finger. While my boyfriends parents are wealthy, they live like they’re incredibly poor. Basically: I’m ashamed to claim them at times. Their house looks like something I would frown upon driving by, and seeing their reaction to me recently just getting a cat— I’m terrified to have children. However, I love my boyfriend, and just have some innate need to be engaged. I don’t even know why I want to be engaged.

My ~crush dude and I went to the same university. Basically, I think he forgot who I was—THANK GOD, BY THE WAY— and would often hold doors open for me, like a gentleman, while I was going into the engineering building because he was an engineering major and I was not LOL, but all of my classes were there. Out of the kindness of his heart, he held the door open for the girl that creeped on him in middle school, unbeknownst to him, I’m pretty sure. If not—then fucking claps for him, because I wouldn’t hold the door open for me either! 

I just don’t know if I’m ready for the huge commitment that comes with being engaged, but at the same time, I think I am. I got accepted—almost—for a big girl job starting out with a decent amount. My life sounds great, right? No. My boyfriend decided not to go to college, until we got together, and has recently decided he doesn’t want to go back because “he doesn’t know what he wants to do, and it’s not worth it.” This makes me incredulously sad, because it’s incredibly hard to get a good paying job these days without any sort of degree. So now, I’m making $10,000 more than he is, (because he got a big kid job, too, yay!!) but he wants to live in a nice house, doesn’t want to invest his hefty tax return into anything but “bills” and it makes me really sad to see that. BECAUSE I WANT TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE AND I WANT TO BE ENGAGED. 

IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?!?!?

Basically, I’m jealous because this fucker is financially stable and in college (unless, of course, he took out a hefty loan for her gorgeous ring—which is possible!) and my boyfriend doesn’t get the gist that I’m sending him engagement ring pictures every other day. And yeah, we’ve been together long enough to be engaged by anyone’s standard, so don’t go calling me a hypocrite. 

/RANT OVER.

When picking a college....

Attending a small high school, choosing a small college was something that was expected of me. While I was “undecided” going into college, I had somewhat of an idea of what I wanted to do, so as I visited schools with my parents, I’d make sure that major was on that list. I knew my parents wouldn’t be extremely satisfied with my major in that moment, so I just kept on trucking with the undecided mode.

I ultimately decided to go to a large college. My ex-boyfriend in high school would probably like to give himself the credit for my decision (because he told me he’d dump me if I didn’t-piece of shit,) but it ultimately had nothing to do with him and had everything to do with the major I wanted to pursue. At this particular college, my major was a “school” and I was interested in taking classes without 100% committing to make sure it was something I wanted to do. Everyone has aspirations of being a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, etc., but I knew I didn’t want to be a teacher. I just wanted to help people. 

I graduated with 44 people. You read that right, forty-four. Most people graduate with numbers in the tripe digits, but I was blessed to not even reach 50. I say that I was blessed because I wouldn’t change my experience for the world. I had wonderful friends, and even though I didn’t get to take spectacular classes because my school had extremely limited funding and no football team (this shocks some people ?), I thoroughly enjoyed my high school experience. If I had the chance to do it over again, I would still pick a small high school.

With that being said, college is something that is expected out of everyone, it seems. If you’re not doing something with your life, people would look down upon you and ask “well how are you going to make that work?” This was terrifying and intimidating, and I applaud all of you who chose that lifestyle, mostly because I’m $24,000 in debt and you’re not (lol.) I applaud those people who are trekking through as well, because I know that it is a feat that’s incredibly stressful to overcome. 

That being said…

If you go to a small school, please don’t be intimidated by a large college. Since I came from a small high school, I was expected to fail at such a large school by the fear of large lecture halls, not knowing my teachers, and going to a school of 35,000 and coaxed to go to a small private college—which also costs more money in the long-run no matter how many ‘grants’ and ‘scholarships’ they say they’re going to give you your first year. It was being burned into my mind that I would ultimately fail if I chose a larger college since I had a lot of help at a small high school, and I should try community college first if I wanted to pursue a university. I did the A+ program, but I also took classes in high school, so the A+ program, for me, would have been senseless to use as I already had nearly two years of college in, and the community college would have nothing to offer for me—maybe a semester, but you get the gist. 

Two of my classmates decided to go to the university that I chose as well. It was relatively close to where we lived, and is very well known to the state. It has negatives and positives, but most people just like it for its athletic programs and its academics are dismissed. When enrolling and applying for housing to this university it was incredibly intimidating. I didn’t know what to expect when there were only a couple of rooms open, but I really lucked out with the roommate that I got freshman year. We weren’t best friends, or really even friends, but much of acquaintances. However, we did not really argue about much, and kept to ourselves a lot, and it was something that I feel like I needed that year, because boy would I be in for a wild ride later—but that’s not this story.

After attending a large college for 3 1/2 years, I’ve learned a couple of things; universities are not as stereotypical as everyone makes them out to be. I often saw my friends that I had made during my summer welcome, friends I made in class, or my high school friends. Crazy, right? I saw these people often, even in a crowd of 35,000+. It was really cool because people told me that I wouldn’t know anything and I would always be lost. 

What I also found phenomenal were the classes that I took. They were incredibly eye-opening. I took a class about Amish people. Amish people! I learned an incredible amount about a community that I probably would’ve never even thought about learning about all because of this school. That being said, the big lecture halls were kind of intimidating at first…until I learned that those are typically the easy classes (unless I just lucked out?) and all of the hard ones that were large broke down into smaller discussion groups or “labs” the were the size of one of my high school classrooms with a TA and a lot of fun people. I had classes with people that I had met along the way, and even made really good friends with people in my classes via sitting by them, the bookstore, and merely just finding out we were in the same class. I even went to see Catelynn & Tyler—yes, from Teen Mom OG— with a girl that I had multiple classes with; we lived in the same dorm, but ultimately had the same major. It was cool because we didn’t live in the “social work” dorm, we lived in the “engineering/teaching” dorm, but we both ended up in the same social work classes, without discussing our interests/majors!

The next thing I found phenomenal were the sports. At my university, we were blessed with the experience of being in the SEC. I’d never really been into sports and never really watched anything dealing with sports, but after getting involved in the sports, it’s really fucking cool. There are student sections and specific student sections that I was blessed to be involved in. I was blessed to get discounted student tickets, and to split the 50 yard line, being in the front row. The SEC has a fuckload of rules, and everyone in the SEC believes Mizzou wasn’t meant to be in the SEC, but it was the greatest blessing to get to experience SEC sports. Gymnastics was something I always thought was cool. I had a gymnast in one of my classes and we made friends. Watching one of the gymnasts at LSU get a 10 on her floor routine was a life changing experience. Apparently, when Mizzou was in the Big 12, there were little to no gymnastic participants, but in the SEC, it’s a big deal. The football was even cooler, especially seeing yourself on national television afterwards. But the feeling of passion about my school was the best feeling.

Finally, I couldn’t have been more blessed for the financial aid I received. A lot of people look at financial aid as something that is necessary, but don’t realize that it doesn’t just go off of your family’s income but it goes off of everyone at that school’s family’s income. That being said, the school I chose to go to had some hefty donors. There were families that made $500,000 and didn’t blink, and then there were families that made $20,000 and got everything paid for. Me? I was smack-dab at $70,000 with both of my parents (which you’re supposed to count both of your parents, unless they’re dead FYI!) incomes and thought I’d be screwed. Especially since my cousin was starting school at the same time as I and was getting nothing. No grants, no loans from the government, nothing. I was scared that this would be me only to find out my sophomore year that my parents were on the lower side of the income setting at my school, and I got a grant! I was jealous of the people that got everything paid for when I was a senior and lost my grant (thanks Gov. Nixon!) and my parents were fishing for the money for me to stay in school, but I’m forever thankful that I even got anything. 

THE MORAL OF THIS RANT/STORY/MEMOIRE….

-Pick the school that has majors you’d want to pursue.

-Don’t pick a school just because your friends are going there — it’s not going to work out in your favor! You’ll make new friends—yes, you will! Even if you go to a large school, you’ll make friends!

-Make sure to seize every opportunity that your school gives you. Mine often had free events on the weekends to attend (concerts, craft nights, movie nights, BBQ’s, the list goes on.) I didn’t realize this until I started attending these, and had a blast doing so. And you get lots of free goodies!

-Make sure to put yourself out there. This is something I didn’t do so much and wish I would’ve done more of. 

-Don’t plan on getting your M.R.S. degree while you’re there. It’s nearly impossible that you’re gonna find that perfect man while you’re attending college and get married right then and there—and SHIT I WOULDN’T WANT TO. You want to live your life and you do JUST DAMN THAT, GIRL.

-APPRECIATE EVERY SECOND YOU HAVE THERE…

…Because you’ll never know how fast that time will FLY by and it’ll be gone. And it’s a depressing feeling.

I can't support your short relationship to engagement jump

I cannot be excited or proud or happy for you if you’ve gotten engaged before you’ve even been in a relationship a year. 

Do I sound like a bitch? 

Probably, but let me break it down for you. 

We, as humans, are learning creatures. We as ANIMALS are learning creatures. Since we’re humans, however, we can think logically (most of the time) and do things for our own needs and wants unlike some creatures. Many creatures do what is in their nature (sex) while humans have somehow maintained the connotation that sex is something that is sacred and should only be for marriage. But….if the animals do it….??? Doves are life mates, as they should be, but I’m sure one dove checked out another dove every once in awhile, AS THEY SHOULD. 

I’ve been a relationship now for over two years and it’s weird. I never thought I’d be the person to be in a long-term relationship and thought I’d end up marrying my high-school sweetheart because I got pregnant from a drunken one-night-stand with him. Because that’s my life. In my relationship, however, we have both grown as people, but have grown as a couple. This is something that I believe should happen while you’re in a relationship. Not while you’re engaged, or when you have that piece of paper that says “marriage certificate.”

WHY is the sanctity of marriage being ruined?! Probably because of people like you. People like you who just liked that Facebook post about the two that are engaged after being in a relationship for two months. People like you who think this is okay. And people like you that want to be engaged after barely knowing someone!

You think you know someone. Truuuust me, I’ve been there. I basically moved in with my significant other the day after our relationship “officially” started. You read that right: the DAY after. With this, I like to think of myself as an expert on relationships…lolwaitno, but I like to think I have a teeny bit of insight on the subject. I’ve been through enough in my life, anyways. I learned something new about my boyfriend yesterday. I learn new things about him at least every week, and some of these things I’d consider deal breakers at times in our relationship. But relationships are about growing. 

Can you grow with the connotation of getting a ring on your finger after barely knowing someone?! Nope. Is it right and just to marry someone just because you’re having a child with them?! No. Can you grow when you’re getting married just to have sex with this person because God doesn’t think it’s right to have sex out of wedlock?! NO!

Getting married merely for the above is pathetic, in my opinion. I believe in God, and I have my entire life. Do I believe everything my religion says? No, and I don’t think I could believe everything one religion says because we are an ever-changing people, and our minds are meant to be twisted, messed with, and we are ultimately searching for our morals and values at least every other year because we feel lost or we feel that God and/or Jesus (and/or Mary, too!) failed us at some point in the process and we’re re-thinking this. Whether you publicize it on Facebook or not, I know you do/have/will/always will. 

The Bible states (somewhere, idk I haven’t gotten that far and my religion isn’t one of those that can spit out every verse from the Bible verbatim in an instant) that premarital sex is a sin and is something that should be confined to only a marriage. Other religions get further into this subjects, while some religions just disregard the situation at all going willy-nilly with all of the willy’s going into nilly’s train hole. Ya feel me? I’m not naming names, because I’m not shaming anyone’s religion, but everyone has different beliefs. 

Never in the Bible does it say

…”thou shalt get married if thou breaks their chastity vow.”

…”thou shalt get married quick [af] to not break their chastity vow.”

…”thou shalt divorce because you had a small disagreement and now you’re done with life.”

If you’re going to strongly believe that premarital sex is a sin, then you should believe that divorce is one, too, because that is somewhere in the Bible as well. Also, I’m pretty sure that Jesus would rather have you breaking your chastity vow than getting married just to do so. And don’t deny to me and tell me, because statistically those that are chaste and their virginity is bound to the Lord; GET MARRIED SUPER EARLY AND IT ENDS IN SHITSHOW(S) MORE THAN THRICE. Jesus probably had premarital sex. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Jesus is a virgin. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Joseph was a virgin, and some religions don’t believe that Mary the Virgin Mother was, indeed, a virgin. 

This being said, if you have sex with your significant other, you have a bond.  Granted, I, myself, have had way too many ‘bonds’ with people, but when you know, you know, ya know? BASICALLY: You’re probably going to have sex on your honeymoon and it’s going to be TERRIBLE. Your hymen is going to bleed all over those white cashmere sheets your future-baby-daddy thought were going to be ~romantic. He’s going to miss your vagina thousands of times because he’s never aimed for any hole other than the one that’s in the toilet and it’ll probably rip some part of your anus unless you’re lucky. He’s going to finish in less than a minute while you’re sobbing uncontrollably because you’re in excruciating pain, and then he’s going to want to do it again and again and again because it felt so good to him. And your vagina is going to feel like it’s about to corrupt amongst itself and you’re going to comply with it because Jesus said that’s what’s right. 

WELL JESUS PROBABLY DIDN’T 

Premarital sex has always been a “no no” and I really want to know why. I feel that if you take my honeymoon scenario and put it sometime into your relationship whether that be a month, a year, or a couple of anything’s, your relationship with God and those higher powers you believe in is going to be significantly different, and probably better. 

Wait, what?! 

YEP you heard me right.

God has a calling out there for us. For some of us, it’s priesthood, ministering, sisterhood, etc. and for some if us it’s marriage. And for some of those married people it’s children and so on and so forth. If God’s calling for you is marriage: then you’ll find someone. Just because someone seems perfect doesn’t mean that this person is your perfect someone. They could be Jane’s perfect person and when your husband finds Jane and is riding the Jane train and you’re on the way to divorce: you’re going to be fucked. However, if you would’ve rode your husbands train previously, you both would've known that your relationship is inconceivable at that point and you weren’t mean to be together. Instead, that vow you’ve made for the rest of your life you’re stuck with since you don’t believe in divorce either and you praise the Lord that much. 

Your husband could be a cheater and have 10 babies on the way…. 

Your religion doesn’t believe in divorce.

Your husband could decide that he’s going to bring home this woman and have sex with her, and since you live there you walk in on this. But you can’t leave….

Your religion doesn’t believe in divorce.

WELL I PERSONALLY DO. I’ve seen enough ex-parte action against abuse in marriages, but they won’t get divorced because they don’t believe in it. Same with suicides because people are that incredibly unhappy. But what would’ve solved that?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?..

BASICALLY…TLDR;

I’m not supporting your marriage because you’re getting engaged when you barely know a person, and your dumbass(es) shouldn’t either. Instead, put a dick in yourself and pray to a higher power that you know that this man is going to be your husband. And guess what, he might be, he might not be. We are a people of chance, but we are a people of power. and that power is a phenomenal thing when used wisely.

It's A Different World

I live in the same city, but I don’t.

It sounds weird, but it’s completely true. I know there’re several different aspects to each city and there are different suburbs/stereotypes in every city, but there’s one small exception to mine: it’s small. Unlike St. Louis which has its many adjacent towns that people will still refer to themselves as living in “St. Louis,” the town I live in is just that: that town. If you live in an adjacent city, you live in whatever that city’s name is as well, but not the one that’s nearest to it like those “St. Louis” people like to say. 

As a freshman in college my parents basically decided for me that I wasn’t going to live in the dorms, and I needed to find somewhere cheap to live. Student housing around here isn’t cheap at all and that’s where my friend wanted to live and asked me to live with her. Thank goodness at that moment she in a way backstabbed me and in a way didn’t, because I got out of that situation fast. Instead, I found a duplex on what people consider the “bad” part of town. The city is separated out into four sectors: the south side, the north side, ‘downtown’, and the east side. Apparently we don’t talk about the west side, though. I lived on what was the “north” side of the city. There was a nice subdivision that even had it’s own pool, but all around me were trailer parks and not-so-good looking areas. According to the “locals,” the so-called “new ghetto” was down the road from where I lived now because they were cheap duplexes and could fit a lot of people. I put my blinders on and went into the situation, signing a lease, because to me, it looked like a pretty good place. 

What I learned? Just because you live in a “ritzy north side neighborhood” doesn’t mean that it’s  a good place. I got several things stolen from me while I lived in this area. Granted, I lived on a street with all college students, but my car would be locked, and things would still magically disappear. One time, my neighbors went car-to-car searching with a flashlight and broke into every car they thought they had a chance in and stole my wallet. I’d had a bad night and left it underneath the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car (we were neighbors) and magically the next morning it was gone. I was astounded when various neighbors contacted me saying they had my items. One of my neighbors had so graciously scattered my belongings around the neighborhood, took all of my change, and cashed a $10 check from my grandparents. Real winners, right? These kids were also typically “ritzy” children themselves. 

After various touts with neighbors and roommates, I decided that I wanted to move somewhere with my boyfriend. We stayed at each others houses often anyway and were literally next-door neighbors. My new roommates had a problem with him coming over, but our other neighbors could come over at any time and it “wasn’t a problem.” It was a pretty fucked up situation, and I decided that I wanted to get out of it as soon as I could. The subleasing fee was ungodly, and my boyfriend and I got ourselves into a bit of a situation with moving, so we found a last minute apartment, walked through one day, and signed a lease at McDonald’s less than 12 hours later. It was a whirlwind of opportunity and stress that had been relieved, and I didn’t know what I had coming for me. 

The apartment we moved into was now on the “south” side of town. I always thought that the “south” side of town wasn’t that far away, until we had to drive back and forth with our belongings through the snow to our new apartment. It was disgusting and we had to clean the entire thing. Our neighbors did not seem like the greatest of people, but our landlords had just bought the place, and it seemed like things were going up. Since this was on the “south” side of town, life started to become a lot different. It didn’t take me 15 minutes to the grocery store anymore, I had several back ways to get home, and I was closer to the road it took to get to my job and my parent’s house. 

Getting more accustomed to the life on the “other side,” I noticed a lot of different things. While I didn’t live in the nicest subdivision, I lived all around the ritzy ones. These “ritzy” ones were multimillion dollar neighborhoods and they had an array of beautiful houses, pools, etc.. None of the pools were “private” pools, and they were extremely nice people. I saw more Mercedes Benz SUV’s, Porsche’s, and Lamborghini’s, and I saw more kindness than I ever did on the “north” side of town (other than when I popped my tire on the curb, but let’s not talk about that because it was a real bad day.)

My ‘new’ neighbors are drug dealers. They’re EXTREMELY loud and annoying, but I’ve left my wallet on the front seat of my car for an entire week and nobody did anything. My ‘new’ neighbors are kind people, and even though I hate living in an apartment, I’d honestly consider re-signing a lease just because I love living on the ‘south’ side of town. We’re closer to everything, there’re more places that you can walk and don’t have to feel like you’re going to get shot, and there’re less “lock your doors! High thefts ahead!” signs which is ultimately comforting. 

It’s interesting to see life from a different city while still in the same city, though, but it’s an incredible thing.

And it’s incredible to have two of the heirs of the Wal-Mart fortune as neighbors. ;)

Why I have no hope for Generation Z

i was at a concert Wednesday night when I had the most eye opening experience — I have a strong sense of sadness for Generation Z (and some from Generation Y as well, just to be inclusive.) 

This particular concert was at a bar in downtown St. Louis. I’d never been there before, but a friend and I had looked up online that 21+ get early entrance to the show, and since we’re both older than dirt, we grazed to that line. We had met a couple of people in the line that we had began talking to, some the same age as us and some older. Those older definitely seemed to have their shit together, however, those the same age as us seemed to be attention seekers. They constantly were taking pictures of themselves, having us take pictures of themselves, having others, and then during the concert (which we were all second row), proceeded to jump up and down like this was some rave when in reality, it was just Nick Jonas (which I mean could be a big deal to some people, but definitely wasn’t to these.) They were throwing up their sorority gang symbols constantly and elbowing everyone around them—lucky me!!— to try and “dance” so that he would notice them. Thank God that he’s not that type of person to feed into that kind of thing, so he basically avoided all eye contact with him. 

While those individuals are a part of Generation Y, like myself, the front row of the establishment was set aside for those who bought VIP packages. The VIP packages started at $200 and were basically insane from there on up. Obviously the only kind of people who are going to buy those are die hard Nick Jonas fans, and those that can afford it with mommy & daddy’s money. Those that were in the front row were 100% Generation Z. I met a great girl in front of us, that had to have been in high school, who was around the same age as the others in the front row, but her demeanor was much different than those in the front—however, she is one of few. 

Before the concert, they were much like the friends I had met before that were in my generation, taking pictures of everything. Themselves, the opening act, themselves with the opening act, and when Bebe threw her drum stick out oh shit. Generation Z went WILD, which was terrifying to say the least because most of them had NO IDEA who she was. It was when he came out, though, that struck a nerve in me. I understand that Generation Y is the first generation to grow up in a technology filled environment, and we’re much more susceptible to things of that sort. Much isn’t known about Generation Z at this point, but what I CAN tell you, is I have no hope for them. 

The girls in the front row, sorry if you were one of the few fellas there, aside from the girl that I had mentioned above, spent 3/4 of the concert taking selfies. They took selfies of themselves, turned around and took selfies while Nick Jonas was in the picture, took selfies with their friends in a similar fashion of the latter, too. Like no. It was terrible. Standing behind them made me realize they literally spend the entire concert on Snapchat/Instagram. They talked about how many likes they got on their picture with Nick, and when he even primarily looked their way a couple of times, when they were ACTUALLY LOOKING AT HIM, they shrieked like it was the end of the world and immediately brought up their phones to try and get a picture of this. 

I understand wanting to document your experiences someplace, I really do. When digital cameras were a thing, I was ALL OVER bringing them into Jonas Brothers concerts and seeing which picture I could best get of any of the brothers, and spazzing out while I did it. However, I was a baby 13 year old that had nothing better to do with my life than revolve it around the Jonas Brothers. When I was 16,17,18, like these individuals at the concert, I was not obsessed with taking the best selfie, or documenting every single thing that i did.

When I thought of that experience, I explored the same thing on Saturday when my university had a football game. The section I’m in primarily is full of freshman, Generation Z, with a few exceptions—yay me! again. I mean, it’s definitely a choice to be in that section, and I don’t regret it, but I guess I had never noticed anything of the sort until I went to the concert and noticed it. The game started early in the morning, so naturally everyone was at their worst due to getting up at 6 AM to watch a football game, right? Wrong. The front row of this section is ~exclusive, and they get their bodies painted with whatever catchy phrase was came up with and it’s plastered all over ESPN during the game. It definitely is a cool experience, but not as cool of an experience that I have to document every living second before the game starts— because the coordinators would NOT allow Nick-Jonas-Wednesday-night-generation-z material during the game, and either would the university. However, before? They can’t control any of that shit. 

These girls stood in front of the 40 yard line taking every selfie from every angle that they could. They asked, literally (and I know people overuse that word, but this was LITERALLY) every single person around them to take their picture, including my friends and I. I laughed at the friend that actually volunteered, mostly because he probably thought they were hot, as they had already gotten nearly 40 pictures of themselves taken from everyone around them. Then they proceeded to selfie with themselves, and after they got painted, continued to do so… while getting black and yellow paint all over themselves and after complaining that their Under Armour bra was going to get paint all over it—even though that was the point of lining up for the front row. 

I wasn’t expecting world peace and nobel prizes from Generation Z, but I also wasn’t expecting people who are obsessed with themselves and documenting THEMSELVES for the further future. I’ve never seen a generation so self-obsessed and obsessed with their phones and the social media that is on them than Generation Z. A generation so absorbed in their technology that they have to bring their charging cords to a concert and ask the bouncers if they can plug it in and are missing entire experiences around them. They’re missing experiences they paid for, for experiences that could disappear with the click of a “delete” button on a phone or a developers choice. What’s wrong with Generation Z is the fact that they’re missing the entire world around them, and they don’t even care. They’re not phased by asking a stranger to take a picture, or ten, of themselves, and are disappointing performers because they’re not watching a fucking thing. Welcome to the generation that IS NOT going to care about the things going on around them, because they’re only going to care about themselves. And while there are some good ones in that generation, like my cousin who literally gives no fucks about those portions of her life, but about changing things for the better… but then on the other side of the table, there’s my other cousin who is one year older than her, and is complaining to my aunt that she got less likes on Instagram than she ever had before and was about to cry about it.

That is what’s wrong with Generation Z, and I honestly, honestly hope that social media come sto a crash, so that there’s SOME hope left for that generation.Wh

Growing Up isn't getting married.

Something I always wanted to do when I was little was grow up. I think that’s all every child is and I honestly don’t know why, since it’s probably the worst and hardest thing in the world. Some people never overcome it, and while I’m still definitely not there 100%, I’ve realized over the past couple of days what growing up actually is, and how it feels.

Growing up is not having a baby and thinking that it makes you grow up because it doesn’t. My sister is a whole 30 years old, has 4 children, and still does not realize any sort of concept of growing up, and my mom will more than likely still be supporting her at the age of 50. Growing up is not getting engaged because you’ve been dating near a year or over and “that’s what you think you should to for excitement and to grow up.” That’s far from growing up, and you should only get engaged because you have the full intent of wanting to marry and spend the rest of your life with that individual.

Growing up is not getting that credit card and going apeshit on it, expecting a grant that’s supposed to go towards school to pay it off. It’s not deciding to get that gigantic TV package because you think you need it. It’s not deciding to buy yourself an “early birthday present” consisting of that new line of Kate Spade bags that cost roughly $350. It’s not paying off credit with credit.

Growing up is a trial. Growing up is realizing that you’re not the only person involved in your life, other people are involved to. Growing up is realizing that even when your significant other fucks up, that’s not a reason to leave them. They’re going to go through problems in their life too and if you truly love them, you’ll stick with them through those problems like they have with you. Growing up is realizing you’re going to have to take out another loan for school because your parents aren’t going to pay for your school anymore and you lost that grant that you thought was no big deal. Growing up is paying off that credit card after you went apeshit and realizing that it’s more than half of your paycheck and it’s almost impossible to pay those bills now. Growing up is realizing you only need what’s necessary for you to live.

We, as a country, take too much into the little things. You don’t need that Kate Spade bag. You don’t need to have that expansion TV package that costs $200 a month. Growing up is realizing that these things are accomplishments. You should get those things if you can afford them, not because you think you need it and are having someone else pay for it. So when you graduate from college, pay off all those student loans. Screw getting that new car if you have a car that works and gets good enough gas mileage, you don’t need it. Buy that house if you can afford it, but make sure that you can afford to pay off all of those things. Pay off all your debts in life with that hard-earned money. Don’t make the mistake of letting material items take place over the debts you have in life.

That, in my opinion, is growing up.

Find Your Matty McKibben

Have you ever had someone who will treat you like a princess in the sheets, but when you get out into the streets, they treat you like Regina George was treated when all she could wear was sweatpants? It sucks. It doesn’t just simply suck, but it really sucks, and if you wanna be like Jenna Hamilton and be ballsy with your frelationship, or whatever it may be, then I ADMIRE YOU.

Awhile ago I posted about my doppelgänger and how it seemed like we were drawn to each other. Well, Mother Nature proved me right again, and we are on speaking terms. That’s right! We are on speaking terms. We went to a restaurant, publicly, which is something we often did, but something we seldom did? Events with friends/publicly. We would “go out” publicly, but at the same time, we would be going to spontaneous restaurants all the time (that partook to me gaining a shitload of weight as well — high school me should’ve ran more track.) Any time we were around friends (mutual or one-sided) it was as if we didn’t know each other.

While Awkward portrays something that isn’t real life, some parts of it are real life. I’ve mentioned my promiscuity in high school/college (because I’m a basic white girl) and let me tell you, that part where she thinks Matty is just her fuck buddy instead of her boyfriend speaks to my younger self SO MUCH. My younger self would sleep with people to feel loved, to feel welcomed. It was until I was in public with said person that I would realize our true relationship (and deny it, because I didn’t have a Tamara sitting there telling me what was wrong with me, lbr.) I think the one that took the icing on the cake was the guy that was nervous to be around me in public. Now I’m a pretty tall individual, and it just so happened that tall people don’t have a thing for me, so I’ve had to succumb my life to dating short individuals. I’ve mentioned my obsession with frat boys, and this particular guy happens to be one of those. Oops. We met on Tinder because I’m cliche. I don’t know if it’s my fault for being a horny teenager, but we slept together not long after meeting each other (because I’m a slore, yeah.) He was super nervous about everything, but our relationship was trivial. We hated and loved (lusted, for lack of better word) each other, and mostly being in each other’s pants. Until my teenager-ness wore off and realized “hey! let’s be in a relationship!” We never made anything official (bc this man was an assfuck) but he would never want to be seen anywhere in public with me. He would never hug me goodbye, and would always drive across campus to see me, even though I walked to his house all. the. time. The final time we were “in public” together, he couldn’t even hug me because there was a woman in the car in front of us and “he was worried what she would think.” Granted, I looked like I was his fucking mom, but THAT DOES NOT MATTER. The point of this, is now he has a pilot license and that magically makes him sexy? and I’m confused at what the point of this blog post even is.

My doppelgänger and I talking has got me in weird moods, especially since I figured out that he’s being deployed soon. The funny part about that? The last time he was gone for a remote amount of time (basic training, bc that takes 4evr) he basically confessed his love to me. I don’t mean basically, actually, because he literally admitted it later on after I wasn’t smart enough to realize it. I’m in a relationship, yes, and I love that individual as well, but I do love my doppelgänger, too. As much as the other? Probably not at all, no, but I do still have love for him, and I just don’t want that to happen again.

Because you’ll always fall for the guy that wants you in private vs. the guy that wants you all over in public.